Tbs TRAVELS 6/

JOHN WRYLAND

The TRAVELS of
JOHN WRYLAND

The TRAVELS

of

JOHN WRYLAND

being an account of

His Journey to Tibet,

of

His Founding a Kingdom on the Island
of Palti,

and of

His War Against the Ne-ar-Bians.

1903

THE INTERNATIONAL NEWS Co.
Breams' Buildings,

Chancery Lane,

LONDON, - ENGLAND,

Publishers' Agents for Great Britain

THE EQUITABLE PUBLISHING Co.
317 N. Fourth Street,
ALLENTOWN, PENNA.

U. S. A.

COPYRIGHT, 1903,
BY HENRY J. O'NEILL

ENTERED AT
STATIONERS' HALL, LONDON

Electrotyped,

Printed and Bound by

C. J. KREHBIEL & CO.

Broadway & Reading Road,

CINCINNATI.

The Travels of John Wryland.

BOOK i .

QEFORE I begin the story of my
D travels, it may not be out of place
for me to tell the circumstances that
led to my undertaking them. To be-
gin at the beginning, my parents were
people of taste and a little means, who
wished to see me raised above the drudg-
ery of the common run of mortals. To
that end they kept ine at school until I
was well on to manhood, thinking suc-
cess at school a guarantee of future
success in the world. When, finally, I
was graduated, at what university I
need not tell, I supposed demands
would come from many quarters for
the services of one who had well ac-
quitted himself as a student. When
these did not come promptly, my first

THE TRAVELS OF

feelings were anxiety and disappoint-
ment ; but these were soon followed by
more resignation and a hope that the
future would bring me better luck.

Thus I resigned myself to waiting
and expecting, and all the time adding
to my years. After much time thus
spent I, at last, began to realize that
position in the world is not gained
either by learning as commonly under-
stood or by integrity ; that, in order to
get on, one has to seize one opportuni-
ty and use it to seize another ; and, in
that way, keep seizing, jumping and
pushing, till the coveted ground is
reached, just as we cross brooks by
jumping from one stepping-stone to
another ; but here I was, quite unfitted
for this kind of struggle. I had ac-
quired a sensibility that would not suf-
fer me to take hold of any opportunity ;
it must be something suitable, and suit-
able opportunities were not coming. I

knew something of Latin and Greek ;
I could give, off-hand, the Latin for
cat, rat, dog and cow, and the Greek
for pig, snake, duck and goose ; I could
say in Greek : A goose, of a goose, to
a goose, shoot the goose, O goose, O
gander ; and I was equally proficient
in several other languages, but no one
seemed to think so much of such talents
as to be willing to pay for them. If I
could now have put away my pride and,
realizing the mistake I had made in
spending years in acquiring such an
education, could have seized some hum-
ble opportunity for a start, I might, in
time, have risen to a position both prof-
itable and congenial; but, instead of
this, I stood motionless, like one para-
lyzed with fear and indecision. What
I needed at this juncture as an accom-
paniment to my education was a snug
little fortune, and not a struggle to ac-
quire one.

4 THE TRAVELS OF

Some in this emergency suggested to
me the study of law or medicine or
some other profession ; but I was sick
of studying, and wanted, without any
more delay, to be able to fill some posi-
tion in the world. Occupied with books
and unused to mix with men, I was en-
tirely deficient in the art of making
friends, and therefore I felt that unless
I should display remarkable talents in
the profession I should choose I should
be doomed, so far as making money
went, to failure. I, therefore, deter-
mined that instead of studying and
handling books, I would mix with men
and learn to handle them.

The feelings of my mind at this time
brought me into many controversies as
to what constituted real education. I
contended then that the highest educa-
tion consisted in an ability to perceive
truth. He that can with the most cer-
tainty arrive at truth in religion, in

JOHN WRYLAND. 5

science, in statesmanship, is the best-
educated man, while he who fails to
perceive the truth to be found is uned-
ucated, notwithstanding much school-
ing.

The ancient astronomers who, think-
ing after the manner of Ptolemy,
taught that the sun moved around the
earth, whereas it does not, were ignor-
ant, notwithstanding their schooling.
Two statesmen contend as to the effect
of a certain policy of state, one con-
tending that the effect is beneficial to
the nation, the other contending that
it is not; either one or the other of
these two men, as regards this ques-
tion, is an uneducated man, for either
one or the other of these men does not
perceive truth.

So in all affairs, the education that
does not enable us with thought to ar-
rive at truth is really no education at
all, but ignorance. It is perception of

6 THE TRAVELS OF

truth that raises man above the brute ;
only in proportion as we perceive truth
can we be called rational beings.

Next to truth in the matter of edu-
cation I placed utility — the acquire-
ment of what is useful or of practical
service.

And last on the list I placed what is
ornamental or beautiful.

I considered that in my education
the first and second attainments had
been almost entirely slighted, and the
last aimed at but missed.

But I will not tire you ; I will pro-
ceed with my story.

As I have said, I was determined, at
once, to get into the conflict of life. I
had a friend who after leaving the uni-
versity found himself in the same pre-
dicament as myself, and after experi-
encing at home for some years a disap-
pointment similar to mine plucked up
courage and set sail for Calcutta, where,

JOHN WRYLAND. 7

after some reverses and humiliations,
he eventually embarked in some mer-
cantile enterprises and began to acquire
wealth. I wrote to him, stating my case
and begging him to let me know what
prospects, he thought, might be in India
for me. In due time I received a reply
which, without holding out any too cer-
tain prospects of success, still advised
me to try my luck in India, and prom-
ised all the assistance in my friend's
power. Thus encouraged, I embarked
for Calcutta, hoping in a new country
to be able to fight with a stout heart
for a home and a livelihood. I arrived
in Calcutta after a voyage of three
months, having gone, to save expense,
in a large sailing vessel. Upon land-
ing I sought my friend, but was shocked
to learn that he had died of a fever
three weeks before my landing. This
disheartened me and impressed me as
an ill omen, and an ill omen it proved

8 THE TRAVELS OF

to be for many a day. Thrown with-
out a friend in this strange part of the
world, I felt myself bordering on de-
spair. I sought something to do here
and there and over every part of the
city. The dust and hot sun, and my
waning strength and courage, each day
detracted from my appearance. At last,
one morning, seeing no hope before
me, I stepped with a sinking heart into
a recruiting office and enlisted in Her
Majesty's service. I was assigned to
one of the infantry regiments then in
barracks in the city of Calcutta.

For the first months of my enlist-
ment I was without heart and without
interest in my duties or surroundings.
I performed every duty mechanically.
But after the first few months I got
more courage. I felt it a hard thing
to have before me years of practical
slavery ; but it was out of my power
to retrieve what I had done, so I deter-

JOHN WRYLAND. 9

mined to apply myself to my calling,
and plan what I should do to attain suc-
cess when I should have served the term
of my enlistment.

It was during this time I cultivated
a taste for history that told so much
of the triumph of arms, of the courage
of men that took them to the remotest
parts of the earth to extend the do-
minion of their country, thus adding
to their own and their country's glory ;
and increasing, as I now felt convinced,
despite the cavilings of fault-finders,
the happiness and enlightenment of
the countries brought under subjec-
tion.

It was now, also, that I saw the folly
of spending life in philosophical and
ethical abstractions that are only good
in theory ; and abandoned them for
what was practical and substantial.
This was the turning-point of my life ;
and left me in after years able to point

10 THE TRAVELS OF

with satisfaction at actual accomplish-
ments, instead of having nothing to
console me but dreams.

I also looked for, and I think found,
the source of that power by which
some minds have brought others to
venerate and implicitly obey their
suggestions. And thus, though the
years I was to serve as a common
soldier, looking ahead, seemed very
long and dismal, yet, when passed, I
was forced in my own mind to con-
sider them most profitably spent.

I may as well tell here that while
serving as a soldier in Calcutta I ac-
quired a perfect knowledge of the Chi-
nese language, so that I was able to speak
it without its being betrayed that I was
not a native of China. I acquired this
so thoroughly by courting assiduously
the company of several Chinese gentle-
men who happened to be living in Cal-
cutta while I was a soldier there. Per-

JOHN WRYLAND. II

haps, too, my classical studies at the
university, notwithstanding my slight
regard for them, may have qualified
me to attain so perfect a mastery of
the Chinese tongue.

While a soldier I received many to-
kens of commendation from my offi-
cers, and some promotion, but I never
became a commissioned officer ; and,
therefore, deem it little worth while to
speak of any preferments I obtained.

Before my term of enlistment ex-
pired, from studying history and think-
ing of kings and nobles and conquer-
ors, I had come to the resolution of
seeking, as soon as discharged from
Her Majesty's service, some island or
district that could be reduced by a
bold stroke to subjection, in which I,
maintained as king by a faithful sol-
diery and surrounded by nobles, might
be lost to the world, and spend my days
feared and served by a subjugated peo-

pie. Before my term expired, I, there-
fore, secretly organized a party to pene-
trate, under pretense of being traders,
into the land of Tibet, for, on reflec-
tion, this appeared to me the place most
suitable for the operation of such an
expedition.

Before starting on this expedition
some of us had divergent views on the
best manner of proceeding. Some
would contend that physical force was
the best means by which we were likely
to attain our ends, while others of the
party contended that supernatural fear
would serve us best. For my part, I
was of the opinion that it would be
best to proceed well armed, so that if
we should find it more advantageous
to have recourse to the physical fear of
the inhabitants, we could do so with our
arms ; and if we should find supernat-
ural fear more likely to serve us, we
could throw away our arms, or we might

JOHN WRYLAND. 13

find it best to have recourse partly to
physical, and partly to supernatural
fear.

Being honorably discharged from Her
Majesty's service, should that fact ever
be questioned, I can show my discharge
in writing ; with the party organized,
and as their leader, I set sail from Cal-
cutta on the first day of April in the year
1850, for the mouth of the Brahma-
putra.

Our party consisted of twenty-one
men. We were well supplied with arms
and ammunition. Each man had a
trunk well packed with a variety of
clothing, and the party had, besides,
980 pounds in gold sovereigns. I was
able to furnish my share of this money
through the generosity of a friend, a
Mr. Green, who lent me the money on
the strength of only a short acquain-
tance and the good reputation I bore
in Calcutta.

14 THE TRAVELS OF

When we reached the Brahmaputra,
we ascended that river to the city of
Dacca ; here we were annoyed to find
that ourselves and our baggage would
have to be transferred from the vessel
we were in, to one of lighter draught,
in order to facilitate our ascent of the
river. Things are done very slowly in
this part of the world, so. we found to
our great disgust ; for we had to wait
two weeks before a junk or light-draught
vessel could be procured into which to
transfer our belongings.

During those two weeks all of us
made occasional visits to the city of
Dacca and conversed with the natives.
Kvery man that went ashore was most
diligent to learn, without creating sus-
picion, if the natives might know of
any place in Tibet particularly suit-
able for the purposes of our expedi-
tion.

The information we obtained was, of

JOHN WRYLAND. 15

course, fragmentary; but by putting
together what each man found out, we
learned that the Island of Palti, in
Tibet, situated about nine hundred
and seventy -five miles above the mouth
of the Brahmaputra, and near a con-
fluent of that river, the Yaro Tsanpo,
was the very place we were in quest of.
The island was described as being in
the center of a lake of the same name
as itself; it was said to be one hundred
miles in diameter, and the distance
from the shore of the lake to the island
was mentioned as about five or six
miles. The country around the lake
was described as very rich in wild ani-
mals ; the musk-deer, the ounce, the
bear, and wild horses ; and the moun-
tains south of the lake were said to be
rich in gold, mercury, lead, and silver.
About the island of Palti we could
learn nothing, except that the waters
surrounding it were inhabited by spirits

l6 THE TRAVELS OF

who destroyed, without ever letting
one escape, all who attempted to cross
over to the island. We were told that
objects, like men and large animals,
could be seen on very clear days occa-
sionally moving about the shores of
this island. We were also told that a
very large building and many huts
could be seen on the island, as well as
what appeared to be the outlines of a
city or town some distance inland.

From this we came to the conclusion
that the island was inhabited like the
country bordering on the lake, and
that its inhabitants, through some su-
perstition, were as fearful of crossing
over to the mainland as the other in-
habitants were of crossing over to the
island.

When the two weeks had expired,
and we were, at last, safely transferred
to our junk, every man was impatient
to ascend the river in quick time ; first

JOHN WRYLAND. 17

we could not bear our slow progress,
the little accomplished each day made
every man restless, but as we found it,
in the end, impossible to do better, we
sank into a lethargic resignation with
our progress ; and most of the men
seemed to be getting indifferent as to
whether we made ten or twenty miles
a day. After we had been ascending
the river above Dacca three weeks, and
when we were between Jamalpore and
Gowhatty, we found the part of the
river we had reached naturally shoaly ;
and, on account of the season, which
had been very dry, unnavigable. To
add to our misfortunes, the letharg}^ I
have spoken of as appearing to make
every man indifferent to our progress,
developed into a severe ague that in-
capacitated the entire crew with the
exception of myself. This unlooked-
for drawback seemed as if it would en-
tirely frustrate our purposes.

1 8 THE TRAVELS OF

It was a dismal thing to hear these
men when the chill came on them, all
shaking and chattering together. Our
junk was a complete hospital with only
one nurse. I thought I should lose
my mind with all I had to do and the
gloomy surroundings ; and so I should,
if it were not for a lucky thought. It
was this : I determined I would not be
a victim nor suffer the expedition to
fail, even should the whole crew per-
ish ; so one night, when all were sick,
I went and took the bag of gold, nine
hundred and eighty pounds ; but, so
that the crew should not be able to
say I had acted without any heart I
put two hundred and eighty pounds
back, where the bag used to be, enough
to enable the crew to procure native
help and return to the mouth of the
Brahmaputra, and back to Calcutta.

I took the remainder of the bag of
gold, and placed it in my trunk. I

JOHN WRYLAND. 19

then armed myself with two pistols
and with balls and powder. I placed a
few loose sovereigns in my pocket, and
lowering a small boat, rowed to the
right bank of the river. I lingered
here a short time when I met a native
who for a small consideration went in
search of two jinrikishas and a servant.
I then returned to the junk, lowered
my trunk into the boat, and rowed
back to meet the servant and jinriki-
shas which were not slow in coming.
When they came I had my trunk placed
in one jinrikisha, and I got into the
other myself, and, at once began my
journey to Lake Palti. My servant
walked constantly beside me carrying
a large bamboo umbrella over my head
to shelter me at night from the dem-
and in the day time from the hot sun.
I wish to say here that when I took
this money I fully intended when I
should have made myself rich by my

20 THE TRAVELS OF

expedition to return it, that is if any
of the crew should then be living. I
was very loath to leave my comrades in
their misery, but the success of the
expedition demanded it.

It was now I found the thorough
unreliableness of all our books and
charts. All the books upon which I
could lay my hands in Calcutta were
silent upon the roads to be found along
the banks of the Brahmaputra ; in fact,
some of them positively stated that
along this river no roads were to be
found above the city of Jamalpore,
and that this country was entirely un-
explored. Such as they were, there
were roads, though it must be said, in
excuse of our travelers and geogra-
phers that these roads are known only
to natives and to Chinese, and that no
one whose tongue betrays him to be a
European is trusted with the secret of
their existence.

JOHN WRYLAND. 21

After I had traveled six miles on my
journey towards Lake Palti I fully ex-
plained to the drawers of my jinriki-
shas and to my servant that I contem-
plated a journey to the land of Tibet ;
but I, of course, said nothing of the
purpose of my journey. I told them
that if they would leave their families
and accompany me I would compensate
them in the most liberal manner.

There was one condition that I at-
tached to their services which, before I
named it, I was afraid they might de-
cline ; it was this : that when I slept
on the journey I should have the right
before settling myself to sleep to place
handcuffs upon all of them, for, to tell
the truth, I had some fears that when I
slept they might cut my throat. Even
handcuffing them was not a complete
guarantee that they would not injure
me while I slept, for they could still
kick my brains out or batter them out

22 THE TRAVELS OF

with their handcuffed wrists; but I
had to put some trust in them ; and I
knew that they would be somewhat
afraid to attempt the last modes of in-
juring me, lest their first assault would
waken me before stunning me, and
then my pistols would wreak vengeance
upon them.

The drawers, the servant, and myself
came to terms without flattering each
other with any pretended confidence.
On the journey I did not often over-
work them ; they asked no questions
and displayed no curiosity, but simply
plodded on. Sometimes when we came
to a particularly steep hill they would
apply their united labor to getting one
of the jinrikishas up, and when that
was up, would walk down together, and
by one pulling and the other shoving
get up the other also.

In this way we continued our jour-
ney along the right bank of the Brah-

JOHN WRYLAND. 23

maputra until we came to the passes
of the Himalayas.

I shall never forget my journey
through these passes as I followed the
course of the Brahmaputra on my way
to Palti. Perpendicularly on each side
rose the rocky walls thousands of feet
high, seeming almost to meet on top.
The sunlight that came from above,
instead of striking directly down,
glinted from one side of the passes to
the other until it fell at last, cold and
faint, around us below. The atmos-
phere was chilly and damp like that of
a cave, but withal sweet. Our foot-
steps on the stony bottom, every peb-
ble that fell from the sides, and every
scream of the birds that ventured into
the passes, awakened sharp, crackling
echoes that long reverberated through
the rocky labyrinths. I would often,
as I sat in my jinrikisha, amuse myself
by crying out, at the top of my voice*

24 THE TRAVELS OF

" Ho, ho ! halloo ! halloo ! " and then I
would listen for the echoes to repeat my
cry ; at other times I would get out of
my jinrikisha, and, picking up a pebble,
throw it up with all my might and wait
for its fall on the hard bottom to start
the echoes of the passes. Our journey
lay through such scenes for fully a
month.

The country, from the mouth of the
Brahmaputra to the passes of the Him-
alayas, is low and unhealthy. The roads
are poor, being in hot weather almost
impassable with dust, and in wet weath-
er with soft mud. Even in dry weath-
er the roads in some places are obstruct-
ed with swamps, and, altogether, the
journey along the Brahmaputra to the
passes of the Himalayas is monotonous.
After we had journeyed through these
passes we pursued our way along the
northern side of the Himalaya Moun-
tains. Here everything was a vast con-

JOHN WRYLAND. 25

trast to what we had seen on the previ-
ous part of our journey.

Our road now lay along the side of
stupendous mountains. On our right
we could look down, down, thousands
of feet, until everything was lost in the
clouds beneath us, and on our left we
looked up at cliffs rising straight up
above one another without end.

In our journey along these mountains
we frequently came upon a number of
dwellings built near each other, but
placed in a most peculiar manner. The
natives of these mountains have queer
notions about locating their houses.
When they desire to be near neighbors
they do not build, as we do, alongside
of each other, but one builds perhaps
three hundred feet above the road, and
another three hundred feet above that
again. The people seem to delight in
scaling these steep cliffs ; this they do
with great agility, as none of them are

26 THE TRAVELS OF

stout or heavy, but light and sinewy,
made so by their country and their
mode of life.

As we journeyed along this road we
met with many amusing incidents upon
passing these villages or groups of
houses. The nature of the land ena-
bles the neighbor living highest to sub-
ject his lower neighbors to many an-
noyances; in fact, every inhabitant
seems to annoy those lower than him-
self ; all of which gives rise to fearful
squabbles. The woman living on top
will, for instance, throw all the refuse
of her house down upon her neighbor's
roof. At this, out will run the offended
woman, scolding and protesting and
red with rage. The one on top is rare-
ly slow to appear at her window or door
to join in a wordy altercation, and then
will be heard a series of incriminations
and recriminations enough to make
one's hair stand on end. Those above

JOHN WRYLAND. 27

and below the combatants, attracted by
the loud words, soon stick their heads
out, and before long there is a merry
fight up and down the mountain-side.
When too angry to be satisfied by
words, the quarrelers generally resort
to stones, inflicting much damage upon
each other's houses, but those on top
always get the best of the fight.

As I pursued my journey there were
a few nights upon which I had to apply
for refreshment at some of these native
dwellings on the mountain road to
Palti. These few occasions gave me
an opportunity to observe more closely
the customs and habits of the natives
of the country. One custom I noticed
among them that I would gladly see
introduced into the civilized countries
of the world.

When these people invite guests to
their homes to spend the evening or a
great part of the night, for the comfort

28 THE TRAVELS OF

of their guests they do not provide
rigid chairs as we do, but couches.
Near these they place on small tables
cigarettes and refreshments. When
the guests are assembled they are al-
lowed by the custom of the country to
pass the time entirely as they please
without giving offense. A guest may
sit up, lie down or sleep without offend-
ing. He may talk if he choose, or be
entirely silent. He may eat, drink or
smoke, or he may let it alone.

This good custom takes off entirely
the weariness that attends many of our
gatherings. One does not have to rack
his brains to think of something to
say; if he does not enjoy the company
or the refreshments he may close his
eyes and pass the time in sleep. I never
spent more enjoyable evenings than
the few I spent with these people.

In making the journey along these
mountains what particularly delighted

JOHN WRYLAND. 29

me were the early morning and the
evening hours. Often was I pressing
forward with the first faint gleam of
light. At that hour the air was inva-
riably cool and crisp and sweet with the
odor of ferns and plants of stunted
growth that grew among the rocks.

When a turn in the road caused the
mountains to stand between me and
the rising sun, the effect was grotesque
and fairy-like. As the sun reached the
summit of the range, and from his
broad face shot his beams sparkling
over rock and rill and moist shrub
down the mountain-side, he looked like
a red-faced giant peeping over a wall
at children playing on the other side.
The absence of trees enables the trav-
eler in these regions, without suffering
from any obstruction to his vision, to
delight in the fantastic appearances of
nature.

When the sun was setting at evening

30 THE TRAVELS OF

below the mountain ranges on my right
as I journeyed along, I would often call
out to the drawers of my jinrikishas,
saying, " Hold ! hold ! my men ; let us
pause and feast our eyes on the glory
of this sunset."

After a journey of almost five months
through a country such as I have de-
scribed, attended with many little inci-
dents that I have not felt it my duty to
narrate, I stood at length, on the 24th
day of August, on the brink of a most
terrible precipice that looked down
upon the Valley of Palti, with the lake
in its center and the Island of Palti in
the middle of that again. Of course I
could not see entirely over the island
because of its extent, but I could see
enough to know that it was insular in
form.

After almost ceaseless climbing one
vast mountain after another, the sud-
den appearance of this valley before

JOHN WRYLAND. 31

me gave a feeling of abruptness and
awe. It seemed as if intended pur-
posely to give the traveler a realization
of the elevation he had attained by his
long journey upwards.

The prospect was as if the bottom
had fallen out of the region before us ;
and as if it had sunk down, down
until it rested thousands of feet below
the surrounding hills. I could not help
experiencing a feeling of concern for
the inhabitants of that valley, who, it
would appear, might any moment be
engulfed in perdition by a further
sinking of the valley. After a long
contemplation of the scene, during
some hours' halt for rest and refresh-
ment, it became possible to banish this
feeling of awe, and begin the descent
into the valley, and push on towards
the lake which appeared to be fifteen
or eighteen miles away, but which, I
afterwards found, was thirty miles

32 THE TRAVELS OF

off; the distance, at first, appearing so
little because of the great purity of the
air.

The roads now, though not wider
than ten feet, were good ; and by trav-
eling in one of the jinrikishas I have
before described, it was evident I
should soon reach the goal of my ef-
forts, Lake Palti. As I journeyed
along I frequently rested and questioned
the passers-by as to the character of
the inhabitants of the Island of Palti.
All the rumors I had before heard
were confirmed. The inhabitants were
described as an unknown people, who
could not leave their island without
being devoured by the spirits that re-
sided in the depths of the lake; and
who, for the same reason, could not be
visited, as all visitors were also devoured
by the same spirits. The surmise,
however, was that the inhabitants of
Palti were magicians, the descendants

JOHN WRY LAND. 33

of other magicians, who were the crea-
tions of a great magician, who presided
over the mountains, and, baffling the
spirits of the lake, peopled the island.

As I approached Palti, I will confess,
I many times felt half inclined to re-
trace my steps and go back ; and if I
had not been too cowardly to confess I
was a coward, I believe, I should never
have been the first western traveler to
put his foot on the island ; but despite
my fears, I allowed myself to be drawn
nearer and nearer to Palti.

During the first five or six miles,
after leaving the crest of the mountain,
I was constantly looking back to ob-
serve the effect of the high mountains
appearing to rise above me by reason
of my descending into the valley, but
after iourneying five or six miles I
found the descent to become less steep,
and as I pressed further on, the effect
of the mountains appeared less sublime

34 THB TRAVELS OF

and grand, for as I journeyed on, the
angle formed by my eye and the crest
of the mountains grew smaller ; and
consequently the mountains appeared
less high and toppling.

It was finally on the twenty-seventh
day of August, about two hours before
sunset, that I reached the margin of
the lake. As the day was now nearly
done, I determined that for that day I
would do nothing by way of preparing
for my visit to Palti, except to think
well over my plans and thoroughly
rest myself.

As a result of my reflection that
evening I determined, first, that I
could make great use of the supersti-
tion of the Paltiens with regard to the
spirits of the lake ; for I knew that if
I should cross the lake, over to Palti, I
should be looked upon as a great ma-
gician, related to the great magician
to whom the Paltiens believed they

JOHN WRYLAND. 35

owed their existence ; and might, on
that account, expect good treatment
and much power.

I determined, secondly, that before
I crossed over to Palti I would get rid
of my servant and the drawers of the
jinrikishas; for, thought I, it will be
best for me, when I get to the island,
to have no rivals, to claim equal power
over the spirits with myself. I deter-
mined, in the third place, before dis-
missing my drawers, as I had no
means of crossing over to Palti, to
have them fell two trees and cut their
trunks into suitable lengths, about
twelve feet, and fasten them together
so as to form a raft.

Though nothing but stunted shrubs
grew on the mountains surrounding
the Paltien Valley, in the valley itself
some very fine timber is to be found,
and it was this enabled me to have my
raft constructed.

36 THE TRAVELS OK

On the front of the raft I resolved I
would place a naming torch to impress
the imagination of the Paltiens, for I
made up my mind to try my luck at
night. I felt that should the wind be
favorable, and I would wait for a favor-
able wind, I could propel the raft by
opening my bamboo umbrella with
which my servant had protected me
from the dew and sun during my jour-
ney, using it as a sail.

In pondering that night over my fu-
ture plans with regard to the Island of
Palti and the probabilities of my being
able to accomplish all I purposed, I
had to consider by what means I
should be able to communicate with
the inhabitants. The more I consid-
ered the subject, the more I became
convinced that the language of the
islanders would somewhat resemble
that of the inhabitants of the valley,
as it was plain to me they must be of

JOHN WRYLAND. 37

one stock. Now, the speech of the in-
habitants of the valley was intelligible
to me from its similarity to Chinese
with which, as I have told, I was thor-
oughly acquainted. My subsequent
experience with the Paltiens proved
that I was quite correct in my surmise as
to their language resembling Chinese.
Having with the help of the drawers
and my servant, and some of the in-
habitants of the valley, whom I well
paid, completed the raft by noon of the
thirty -first day of August, I deter-
mined to try my luck that night. I
realized, therefore, that it was now
time to get rid of my drawers and
servant. I never had a high opinion
of the fellows, and consequently ex-
pected very little trouble in getting
rid of them. I retired at noon on this
day into a temporary shelter, in fact, a
little cabin we had constructed of
branches and leaves the day after we

38 THE TRAVELS OF

had reached the margin of the lake,
for the first night we slept in our
blankets. When in the cabin I rolled
np three separate sums of money in
three little pieces of linen, so that they
looked like three little bags. I cut a
large hole in the pocket and lining of
my coat, and taking the bags in my
hand, placed my hand in my coat
pocket, all the time holding fast the
bags. I then returned to where my
drawers and servant were loitering,
and when I knew that the three were
watching me I let go of the bags, and
they dropped from my coat -pocket,
as if I had accidentally lost them. I
then walked on as if unconscious of
what had happened. The three rogues,
at once, pounced upon the bags. I
turned on my heel and caught them
picking them up ; and, as soon as the
rogues saw that they were detected,
they took to their heels and I, to make

JOHN WRYLAND. 39

sure that I should be rid of them,
feigned pursuit. Off they scampered
not even waiting to take their jinriki-
shas with them.

I had nothing to do now, but to
prepare for the final act in the drama.

BOOK II.

T FORTUNATELY had with me a
1 fine costume and all the other ac-
companiments in which I had acted
the part of Macbeth, in Calcutta, when
a party of us gave private entertain-
ments to our friends. I gathered all
these together, polished my crown and
sword, and dusted my robes. I like-
wise placed an unlighted torch at the
prow, or rather the front of my raft ;
for I could hardly say it had a prow.

When dark night came, I went to
the water's edge at which my raft was
moored, put on my kingly costume,
put my pistols into my belt, and with
a small share of powder, stepped upon
the raft, arranging my costume about
me. I then raised my bamboo um-
brella, which I had brought to the raft

42 THE TRAVELS OF

with me : and resting its long handle
on the raft, so inclined it backward
that it caught the wind which was fa-
vorable ; and I began to move slowly
and safely towards Palti. When I had
moved about one mile in the direction
of Palti I lit my torch, and then held
steadily to my course for about two
miles more. I eagerly listened to hear
some sound of recognition from the
Paltien shore. At first no sound came,
but soon a flickering light appeared,
here and there ; then several lights ap-
peared together as if the inhabitants
were moving about in numbers. As I
drew nearer to Palti I could hear in-
distinctly sounds as of voices ; and as
I got still nearer to the island, I could
distinguish forms hastening hither and
thither. When I drew near enough, I
could see the point of the shore to
which I was steering crowded with
Paltiens, but I kept right on. The

JOHN WRYLAND. 43

Paltiens looked in all respects like
Chinese.

Soon I saw a procession coming from
a distance to my objective point. The
procession was headed and tailed by
torches; it reminded me of some of
the political parades I had seen else-
where, but it was nothing of that
kind ; it was the king in his sedan
chair, and the chief officials of the is-
land coming to meet me, the favored
of the spirits.

The procession advanced quickly,
and as it reached the spectators on the
bank four stalwart men, carrying long
clubs rushed from the head of the pro-
cession, and beat the spectators right
and left, until a clear way was made.

The appearance of the Paltiens and
everything they and their king, who
ruled, as I afterwards learned, under
the title of King Hang Hong, did,
bespoke friendship ; but no real friend-

44 THE TRAVELS OF

ship could exist between a truly civil-
ized man and such a race, so I wanted
no pretenses.

As I got quite near to the shore,
within thirty yards of it, I drew my
pistols from my belt, and taking de-
liberate aim, fired, shooting two of the
Paltiens, for I saw two of the specta-
tors fall. When I did this, every Pal-
tien dropped on his knees, and buried
his forehead in the earth, the king and
his prime minister included.

My raft was now to shore, and I
quickly sprang upon the beach ; but in
doing so, a most unfortunate thing oc-
curred. The force of my jump from
the raft caused my powder, which I had
placed upon the raft, to roll into the
lake in which it sank, and was lost. This
would have been enough to have dis-
heartened a veteran, and it almost dis-
heartened me, but I would not give up.

I walked up to the kneeling Paltiens,

JOHN WRYLAND. 45

and as I looked at the craven wretches
I felt that if I had my powder I would
blow them to pieces ; even if I had had
a bayonet or a saber I might have dealt
with them in a style suitable for such
cowards, but I had none of these things.

NOTE* — Recently Major Gerard, a French officer
on the Island of Madagascar, whose boots the native
chieftains had submissively kissed to honor him, in
one night slew five thousand friendly natives, men,
women, and children. They were slaughtered as
they lay in bed.

" During the first half hour or longer most of the
people were slain in their beds ; after that the noise
of the slaughter and the terrified cries of the maimed
caused many natives to attempt flight."

"After an hour's massacre the gutters ran with
blood, bodies of dead and dying were lying on each
threshold, were hanging from windows and roofs ;
the streets were strewn with men, women, and chil-
dren in awful death agony."

For his atrocities Gerard was rewarded with the
cross of the Legion of Honor and with a colonelship.

The account is given by M. Vigne d'Octon, a mem-
ber of the French Chamber of Deputies, in the New
York Journal and Advertiser, April I, 1900.

Similar barbarities were perpetrated by the Portu-
guese upon the inhabitants of the region of the
Upper Zambesi, in East Africa. See an article from

46 THE TRAVELS OF

I stepped into the center of the
kneeling throng and I said in Chi-
nese :

" Men of Palti, I have been sent to
deliver you, to give you a good govern-
ment, and to teach you how to conduct
it. I now take upon myself the gov-
ernment of this island at the express
command of the spirits of the lake
who preside over it ; and who, by pre-

L,ondon, under date of July 3, 1902, in one of the
Sunday editions of the American and Journal, (New
York).

"The Portuguese who have been engaged in a
long and desperate war in their East African posses-
sions report that they have conquered the enemy at
last.

"As proof of their victory the officers in command
have sent back to the capital several barrels contain-
ing the salted heads of their chief enemies. Within
a short time they promise to send several more to
show that they have cleaned up their task thoroughly.

" In other words, these white soldiers have cut off
the heads of all the leading natives taken prisoners
by them. In doing this they followed the example
of the most savage kings and chieftains among the
natives.

JOHN WRYLAND. 4?

serving inviolate my person, have man-
ifested their pleasure in me and in my
mission. Know ye that I now ascend
the throne of Palti under the title of
King Wei Hei, and your former king
is hereby dethroned, and he shall for
all purposes be considered dead. Bear
true fealty to me or prepare to meet
the fate deserved by all disloyal and
stiff-necked people."

While I delivered this speech the

" The African chiefs were beheaded with every in-
dignity in the presence of their followers. Each
condemned man was compelled to crawl on the
ground at the feet of the Portuguese officers, with
soldiers behind him, prodding him with their bayo-
nets. His hands were tied behind his back so that
he was compelled to rub his face in the dust as he
squirmed along the ground. After this ordeal he
was stabbed in the back with a bayonet, and then his
head was hacked off. For a few days it was exposed,
together with those of other victims, in a public
place to awe the natives.

"Then the heads were thoroughly pickled in brine
to preserve them from further corruption and nailed
up in small kegs. These were forwarded to Mozam-
bique, the capital of the province."

48 THE TRAVELS OF

throng continued prostrate with, their
foreheads resting on the earth. I
stepped up to the king who remained
prostrate, as humbly as any of his
subjects, and I gave him a kick in the
ear, saying, " Give me the keys of the
Royal Palace of Palti." The cowardly
old fellow did as I commanded. I stuck
the keys into my pocket, and turning
to the four stalwart men who had beat-
en back the throng and made way for
the procession, I kindly bade them rise
and carry me in the sedan chair that
had been vacated by the old king, up
to the Royal Palace. I desired a few
others to bear torches in front of my
chair, and to one who seemed more
trust-worthy than the rest I gave my
bamboo umbrella.

As I was borne up from the beach,
along the road that led to the palace, I
was very careful to note, as well as I
could in the darkness, everything by

JOHN WRYLAND.

49

the way. I was anxious to see more
of my surroundings than could be
seen at night ; for notwithstanding the
torches I could not see well, for their
light did not carry, so that I peered in
every direction as I went along, but
could distinguish nothing except what
was very near the sides of the road.
We had not proceeded more than a
mile, when a short turn to the left
showed us the palace, well illuminated.
It was so surrounded with trees as to
be really in the center of a little wood,
with pathways leading to it from nearly
every direction. The palace consisted
of a fine rectangular building about
one hundred feet long and about sixty
wide ; it was nothing less than seventy
feet high. The roof was covered with
a bright-red tile. It was flat at the
center, with sides curving gracefully
down and then slightly up, like the
rim of a man's hat. The building

50 THE TRAVELS OF

consisted of two stories, and from the
second story many lofty balconies were
suspended. From a pole in the center
of the roof floated the Paltien flag. It
had a red field, and on the field two
millstones. Over the millstones was
inscribed this motto, " For our people."

NOTE : — What are we to understand from this ?
Were the millstones to grind corn for the people or
to grind the people for the king ?

Talking of grinding people puts us in mind of the
ancient torture of pressing men to death as it was
inflicted in England.

The English judgment for standing mute or re-
fusing to plead in a capital case, cases of treason
excepted, was as follows : " That the prisoner be
remanded to the prison from whence he came, and
put into a low, dark chamber, and there laid on his
back on the bare floor, naked, unless where decency
forbids; that there be placed upon his body as great
a weight of iron as he could bear, and more ; that
he have no sustenance, save only, on the first day,
three morsels of the worst bread ; and on the second
day three draughts of standing water, that should
be nearest to the prison door, and in this situation
this should be alternately his daily diet till he died
or (as anciently the judgment ran) till he answered."

This punishment was introduced into England

JOHN WRYLAND. 51

At each end of the outside of the
building a stairway was constructed ; I
learned afterwards that up one of these
stairs the patriotic Paltien ascended ;
kneeling with uncovered head kissed
the national flag-pole, and passing on,
went down the other stairway.

When our little party got to the
great door of the palace I stepped out
of my chair, took my keys from my
pocket, and swung open the door. I
then turned to the four stalwart men
and the torch-bearers and I said, " Good
people, it is too late tonight to ask
you in ; come here tomorrow morning
at nine o'clock." With that I closed
the door.

I now stood alone in the vestibule of
the palace. The light from the great
room inside streamed around me
through the curtains that only partially

between 31 Edward III. and 8 Henry IV., Black stone,
P,ook IV., 327.

52 THE TRAVELS OF

closed the inner end of the vestibule.
With a heart full of expectation and
strange feelings I stepped forward,
pulled aside the curtains, and looked
into the great room. It was brilliantly
lighted with lamps suspended from the
ceiling, forming a figure corresponding
with the sides of the building. The
ceiling was far too low to produce the
grand effect that should characterize
the halls of a palace. I fear the room
was sacrificed to provide a second floor
for the government offices upstairs. At
one end of the room was a throne, and
at the other a fine flight of stairs
leading to the second floor. The floor
was nicely inlaid and polished, and
couches were placed along the walls,
and here and there in the center of the
floor.

I now walked right into the center
of the room. Its size made me lonely.
I opened a door on the far side of the

JOHN WRYLAND. 53

great room and found it opened upon
a long hall. I walked the whole length
of the hall, opening, as I went, all the
doors on the side opposite from that
of the principal or great room. Open-
ing these doors I found the first apart-
ment to be evidently the servants'
room, next a dormitory, baths, a scul-
lery, and then a large kitchen.

On a table in the kitchen, laid ou-t
on a tray, was a most inviting repast
which had evidently been prepared for
the king, and unceremoniously left
there by the servants upon my being
descried upon the water.

Having investigated this part of the
palace I picked up the tray with the
repast on it, and balancing it very
cleverly upon my one hand returned to
the great room and laid it upon the
throne.

I then walked up the flight of stairs
that led to the second floor. On the

54 THE TRAVELS OF

landing was painted an immense heart,
to portray, so I afterwards learned,
that from these offices were diffused
the blood and life of the nation. I
found the second floor laid out entirely
in offices and vaults that opened upon
corridors. I noticed the inscription
over several office doors. There was
the Office of the Inspector of Morals,
Office of the Inspector of Person, Of-
fice of the Inspector of Clothes, Office
of the Inspector of Diet, Office of the
Inspector of Travelers, Office of the
Inspector of Health, Office of the In-
spector of Safety, and offices of many
other inspectors, besides the Office of
the Statistician.

The latter office afterwards became
to me an object of great interest. It
contains wonderful statistics on every
subject; for instance, you can there
find the size of the largest mouth in
Palti ; the size of the smallest, the

JOHN WRYLAND. 55

average size; the tint of the reddest
lips, the tint of the palest, the average
tint ; the weight of the heaviest potato
in Palti; the weight of the lightest,
the average weight ; the number of
eyes of the largest potato in Palti, the
number of eyes of the smallest, the
average number of eyes ; the number
of bugs in Palti, the weight of the
heaviest, the weight of the lightest, the
average weight; the number of white
bugs in Palti, the number of black
bugs, the number of brown bugs, the
number of green bugs, and so on, valu-
able information on every subject.

But everything on the second floor
the first night looked so dingy and
gloomy that I lost no time in descend-
ing to the room below. I wondered
very much, as I went down, that I had
met no servants or officials in the pal-
ace ; they evidently all either accom-
panied the king on his going down to

56 THE TRAVELS OF

the shore or had preceded him, and
were among the numerous spectators I
saw on the shore at my landing. It is
likely they all intended to be back in a
few minutes for they left all the lights
burning. When I got down stairs I
at once picked up the tray, and en-
sconcing myself on the throne, placed
the tray on my lap, and began to take
some needed refreshment. The throne
was a most excellent thing to rest in,
protected as it was by the high back
and large arms.

After I had partaken of a good share
of the repast I took a leisurely stroll
all through the first floor of the pal-
ace, bolting the shutters as I went
along.

After this I returned to my throne
and resolutely set myself down to a
serious consideration of the affairs of
my government.

MY first purpose was to discover

JOHN WRYLAND. 57

what was most inimical to my rights
as king. Now, the first and greatest
danger to me was, that the Paltiens
might think. If they began to think,
they might think I had no right to be
their king, they might think I had no
right to a fine palace, they might think
I had no right to live in moderate lux-
ury, for I intended to live moderately
well ; they might think of means of
depriving me of these privileges by
uniting and forcibly making me relin-
quish them. I therefore saw that
thinking was a dangerous power to
leave in the hands of the people. Next
to that in danger, was speaking, a
means by which the mischief thought
out might be spread ; and next to that,
writing or printing, by means of which
what was thought out or spoken could
be preserved forever, and forever quiet-
ly disseminated. Of course I did not
fear that printing was known to the

58 THE TRAVELS OF

Paltiens, but I did fear that writing
was, for it had always been known to
the Chinese.

I therefore resolved that my first
act should be to save myself from these
imminent dangers ; accordingly, before
I closed my eyes on my throne that
night, I prepared the following procla-
mation in Chinese :

To the good people of Palti, King Wei
Hei sends greeting : —

Whereas it has appeared to Us that
no greater calamity can befall the in-
habitants of this island than an aban-
donment of themselves to the horrible
vice of Thinking, therefore, as a first
step towards preventing this calamity,
it is decreed by Us that no Public
Assemblies or Gatherings shall, at any
time, from henceforth and forever, be
held or convened on this island, nor
shall any writing be done or circulated
without Our consent being first had

JOHN WRYLAND. 59

and obtained. Of this let all men take
heed at their peril.

Done at the Palace of

Sunshine, the day

of the moon

of our reign. WEI HEI,

King.

Having prepared this proclamation,
leaving its date blank, I put it into
my pocket to be issued at the earliest
opportune moment.

It likewise became apparent to me
that night that to accomplish my pur-
pose I should have to take into my
confidence, and well requite some of
the Paltiens. People will be surprised
to know that every reflection that came
into my head inclined me to rely upon
the four stalwart men, who had borne
me into the palace that very night.
Accordingly, in the morning after I
had unlocked the palace, and opened
the windows, and partaken of a repast

60 THE TRAVELS OF

made out of the remnants of my sup-
per, I reposed on a couch until it was
time for the stalwart men and the
torch-bearers to appear. They were
punctual in coming at nine o'clock. I
sent the torch-bearers to the kitchen to
be domestics, and bade them get what-
ever additional help they might need.
I then invited the four stalwart men
into the innermost chamber of the
palace. After questioning them as to
the number of men of their kind, stal-
wart and brave, who might be procured
for me, and finding I could get a suf-
ficient number, I directed them to send
word throughout the four quarters of
the island, and procure for me thirteen
thousand men to swear allegiance to
me in their respective localities, and
engage at all times to preserve the
peace. They were to be armed with
clubs and long, heavy swords, the clubs
to be used in affairs of small conse-

JOHN WRYLAND. 6l

quence, such as street fights and noisy
hilarity, and the sword in affairs of
consequence, such as uprisings and
revolts against my government, and
seditious gatherings of demagogues in-
flaming the vile passions of the people.
They were called in the language of
the Paltiens, mungjabs.

I must now describe to you, in a few
words, the capital of Palti, Fu Ton.
Fu Ton is situated about seven miles
further inland than the Royal Palace.
It is a city of about forty thousand
souls. Its streets are laid off in circles,
one within another, so that it may be
said to be a place of wheels within
wheels, which I thought was very ap
propriate. In the center of these cir-
cles is a large area of possibly five
acres, and from this radiate streets
that at equal distances intersect the
circular streets. In all other respects
Fu Ton does not materially differ from

6a THE TRAVELS OF

any city of forty thousand that might
be met with in China.

When I had fully armed and organ-
ized my mungjabs, or conservators of
the peace, which was done with won-
derful dispatch, it took just thirteen
days, I issued the proclamation about
Thinking, Public Assemblies and the
Unlicensed Distribution of Writings,
dating it the fifteenth day of the first
moon of my reign.

I followed this the next day with a
proclamation setting forth the heavy
expenses to which government had
just become subject, and doubling all
taxes throughout the island. Having
done this I felt safe. I felt I should
have enough taxes coming into the
treasury to maintain an establishment
becoming the increased importance and
dignity of my government, and I felt
that no unlooked-for disaffection among

JOHN WRYLAND. 63

the people could suddenly burst forth
aud deprive me of my throne.

There was but one thing now that
made me a little uneasy, it was the old
ex-king, Hang Hong, and his ex-min-
ister, Me-Hang-Tu. I did not feel
quite sure that these two would not, in
time, begin to think they had been in-
duced to relinquish their power without
sufficiently considering the seriousness
of the step and the sufficiency of my
claim to succeed them. This gave me
great uneasiness. I gave strict orders
to my ho-mungjab, or general of police,
to have his whole department keep a
vigilant watch upon these two men,
and upon their infringing the law in
anyway, at once to apprehend them,
when I would effectually put it out of
their power ever again to cause me
trouble.

The opportunity to give myself peace
of mind soon came. Report was made

64 THE TRAVELS OF

to my ho-mungjab that the ex-king,
Hang Hong, had had himself made a
crown and robe, and other insignia of
office exactly like mine. Now, this, to
my mind, constituted a clear act of
treason, a willful intent to dispute my
power, and overthrow my government.
Such conduct was calculated to alienate
and divide the affections of my people,
and could end in nothing but the de-
struction of the state.

Report was also made, that the ex-
king, after publicly showing himself
in his regalia, went thus attired to the
house of his ex-minister and was en-
tertained, by him. As the ex-prime
minister did not inform the authorities
of this, it constituted a serious crime
on his part, as my counselors, learned
in the law, told me, for it made him
equally guilty of treason.

Upon learning that the ex-king had
appeared in public arrayed in regal

JOHN WRYLAND. 65

robes and crown, and after having been
so arrayed was entertained by his ex-
minister, I had both apprehended and
charged in due form before me with
their crime. They were confronted
with many witnesses who had been
carefully searched out by my mungjabs,
and who positively swore to all that
was alleged by my government against
the impious ex-king and his ex-prime
minister. The noted criminals made
no denial of the acts charged against
them, but in extenuation of their acts
explained that they intended no harm
or opposition to my government. King
Hang Hong, on his part, claimed that
as he was the descendant of a dynasty
of kings that had ruled the Island of
Palti for more than a thousand years,
and as he had cheerfully and peaceably
relinquished the throne upon the will
of the spirits being made known to
him, he had thought he might continue

66 THE TRAVELS OF

to wear regal vesture without incurring
the displeasure of his sovereign. The
ex-prinie minister went on in the same
strain, claiming that he was innocent
of any knowledge that the ex-king by
reason of his insignia was committing
a crime, and therefore when he enter-
tained the ex-king he had no idea he
was entertaining a criminal.*

As I sat on the judgment seat, now
satisfied of the guilt of these two men,
I cut short their excuses, and sentenced
both of them to be kept in strong keep
until I should fix the day for their exe-
cution, when they should be devoured
by the spirits of the lake.

*NoTE. — The Earl of Surrey was executed during
the reign of Henr}' VIII. His principal offense was
quartering the arms of Edward the Confessor on his
escutcheon, which made him suspected of aspiring
to the crown, though he and his ancestors had open-
ly, during many years, maintained that practice, and
the heralds had even justified it. — [Hume, Vol. Ill,
Chap. XXXIII, pp. 305, 306.

JOHN WRYLAND. 67

I might now justly have drowned
my prisoners in the lake ; I had every
legal warrant to do so, but my feelings
got the better of me. I would spare
the lives of the ex-king and his ex-
minister. This is how I did it :

I had learned in my youth the art of
making whisky by home methods, of
which the laws of my native land did
not approve. I had therefore always
kept my knowledge of the art a secret.
I was now determined to turn to a hu-
mane use the art my native land had
so ruthlessly discouraged. I therefore
gave a little sketch of a worm and other
apparatus that I should need for distill-
ing a few gallons of whisky to a smith,
with directions to make an apparatus
after the fashion of the plan I gave
him.

They have excellent workers and
smelters of copper on this island, the
ore being found in great abundance

68 THE TRAVELS OF

here ; so I found no difficulty in hav-
ing the apparatus made.

To be candid, I did feel some remorse
at introducing such a degrading and
enervating stuff as whisky into my
kingdom, but it was done for a good
and humane purpose, as will shortly
appear ; and I was likewise careful not
to allow a knowledge of the art of mak-
ing it to be acquired by any of my sub-
jects, having determined to attend to
the distilling of the whisky myself.
Besides, I could not, in justice to my-
self, allow any one to learn from me
the secret of making it, for if, by any
chance, the people should taste it, and
like it, and want it, by keeping the se-
cret I might have a profitable control
of its manufacture. But this is digress-
ing.

My apparatus being completed, and
sufficient barley being delivered where
I directed, and being properly sprout-

JOHN WRYLAND. 69

ed, I distilled, I should say, about half
a keg of good whisky, quite enough
for my present purpose ; but as I had
not yet exhausted my store of barley,
and as I was at it, I thought I would
distill a little more for my own use, and
so I kept distilling until I had the full
of a keg.

I was now ready to execute the law ;
accordingly I sent word to the jailer of
political prisoners that on the twenty-
ninth day of the first moon of my reign,
near the hour of midnight, the ex-king
and his ex-minister should be executed
pursuant to the sentence passed upon
them, and that I should attend to the
execution myself.

At the same time I sent to the jailer
half the whisky, with directions under
pain of death not to taste it himself,
but on the day of execution, three hours
before the time fixed for the same, to
set it in the dungeon of the prisoners,

70 THE TRAVELS OF

with invitations to them to partake
plentifully of it. I gave him special
directions to leave it in the dungeon,
in a large earthen vessel, with two large
copper goblets for the ex- king and his
ex-prime minister to drink from.

This done, he was to depart, leaving
the key of the dungeon at the nearest
house until called for by me or some
one with my written order.

I desired the jailer to depart from
the dungeon lest he should be scandal-
ized by seeing the two old gentlemen
get drunk. But, like the unfaithful
servant he was, he went to the nearest
house as directed, left the key there,
and secretly stayed hid under a bed,
sending a member of the family back
to the dungeon to peep into the
windows and observe, by the faint light
the prisoners' candle gave, how the
liquid would affect them.

JOHN WRYLAND. 71

The whole thing leaked out after-
wards, but I never brought the jailer
to an account for his unseemly conduct,
though I had serious thoughts of doing
so.

This is what I heard transpired in
the dungeon when the whisky was left
there by the jailer:

The king first smelt it ; then his
prime minister ; then the king sipped
it and waited a little to see if it was
poison or not ; so did his prime minis-
ter, neither caring very much if it was,
as both knew they must die before many
hours. Then both took a good drink,
and then another, and another, till they
swayed in their seats and blinked, and
neither was steady enough to dip with -
out erring into the earthen vessel. Then
they rose from their seats, clasped each
other around the neck, smiling and
chuckling and steadying each other,
till they filled their goblets over and

7? THE TRAVELS OF

over, and, at last, sank, clasped in each
other's arms, npon the floor.

The hour having arrived for me
to act so that the execution should
take place as decreed, about eleven
o'clock at night I sent a body of mung-
jabs, seventeen in number, with a writ-
ten order for the key of the dungeon,
and with instructions to bring the two
prisoners, dead or alive, to the point of
the shore where I had made my land-
ing ; also, to bring with them the two
goblets and whatever liquid might be
found in the earthen vessel in the pris-
oners' dungeon ; for I thought some
liquor might be left. I directed another
body of thirty-six mungjabs to take -my
venerated raft, which had been conveyed
to the palace and sacredly guarded after
my landing on the island, to the same
place and half launch it — that is, to
place its prow in the water while its
stern remained secure on the gently

JOHN WRYLAND. 73

sloping beach. I waited in readiness
at the palace with my escort, and as the
guard with the prisoners came near on
their way to the appointed place on the
bank of the lake they sent a messenger
ahead to apprise me of their coming ;
whereupon I sallied forth with my es-
cort, and was at the raft when the guard
arrived there with the prisoners. The
two prisoners were shamefully intoxi-
cated, insensible to fear or pain. The
guard of Paltiens could not understand
what ailed them. At my direction they
were stretched upon the raft. I com-
manded a large stone, weighing about
fifteen pounds, to be tied by a rope,
twelve feet long, to each of their right
legs. I then had the two stones placed
upon the raft. I now ordered the raft
to be completely launched, and taking
from the guard the two goblets and the
remainder of the whisky, I stepped
v/ith these little affairs in my arms

74 THE TRAVELS OF

upon the raft ; and after putting them
in a safe place, called for my bamboo
umbrella, but as I perceived the current
would of itself carry me into the mid-
dle of the stream and across it, I shut
my umbrella and laid it on the raft.

I now commanded my ho-mungjab
to shove me clear with a pole ; this
done I drifted amid stream and across
it. I had no torch this night.

Here I may remark that I felt that
a second venturing upon the water
would be another proof to the people
of Palti of my favor with the spirits
of the lake, and my returning without
my prisoners would strike the people
with fear; for they would forever think
I had committed my prisoners to the
depths of the lake and to the fury of
the spirits.

When we struck the off-bank of the
lake, called by the Paltiens, as all the
land off Palti is called, Ne ar-Bi, which

JOHN WRYLAND. 75

means in the language of the Paltiens,
a land adjacent but unexplored, I threw
the two heavy stones ashore, and being
fastened to the prisoners' legs they
served as anchors. I then pulled on
the ropes till the raft was close ashore,
and jumped out. I next dragged King
Hang Hong off the raft and up the
bank until I got him to a nice, level
place, at a safe distance from the water,
and leaving the big stone tied to his
leg, as if he were a tethered goat, I
felt he was in no danger of rambling
into danger in his drink. I did the
very same thing with Me-Hang-Tu.
After that I went back to the raft, and
brought up the two goblets and the
remains of the whisky, and set all
down near the prostrate king and his
prime minister; for I thought they
might feel sick and enjoy a nip in the
morning.

I now returned to my raft very much

76 THE TRAVELS OF

fatigued and heated after my labor.
The wind being favorable to my return,
I used my bamboo umbrella as a sail,
and got to the place, whence I had
embarked, without effort, though very
slowly because of the current.

I was received with shouts of joy by
my mungjabs and some straggling
spectators who had waited on the Pal-
tien shore for my return ; and was im-
mediately borne in a sedan chair to my
palace. The report of this night's
work soon spread among the people,
and henceforth I was to the Paltiens a
man terrible to offend, being gifted
with wisdom to detect and stern reso-
lution to punish.

After I had disposed of these two
worthies, I expected I should have no
further trouble, for I did not see that
anyone except the ex-king, his minister
and myself had any right to feel con-
cerned about the government of Palti.

JOHN WRYLAND. 77

It was not long, however, before it
became evident that some mischief-
makers were going among my people,
endeavoring to disturb their minds
and incite them to acts of opposition
and violence towards my government.
I was a long time aware of the mis-
chief before I could lay my hands upon
the perpetrators of it. Sometimes I
thought that being unable to catch the
guilty parties I should seize one or
two Paltiens of mark, and put them to
death by way of warning and reprisal
for the crimes of their country-men ;
but on reflection, I abandoned that
purpose, and determined to wait until
I could catch the real criminals.*

After some waiting I learned of the
place of resort of the mischief-makers,
and I sent thither a few mungjabs,

* NOTE : — We believe the American troops in the
Philippine Islands were not quite so considerate, but
put innocent Filipinos to death by way of reprisal for
some depredations committed by their countrymen.

78 THE TRAVELS OF

who pretending to be sympathizers
with the malcontents harangued them
on, and drew them out. In this way
my government was able to adduce in-
contestable proof of -treason against
two malefactors* These being the first
two detected, I treated them with some
leniency. I spared their 'lives, but I
had the eyes put out of one, and the
hands cut off the other.* .

I confiscated their property so that
they-shbuld have to travel through the
country begging for bread ; and in
that way serve as a striking example
to those who might contemplate a rep-
etition of their offense.

This example had some effect upon
the people, for it was some time after

* NOTE : — This was the punishment inflicted by
William the Conqueror upon the rebels who rebelled
against his rule in England, during his absence in
Maine, 1074. Putting out the eyes was also a pun-
ishment inflicted by Richard I. upon poachers. —
Hume, Vok T.rfp. 205, 392.

JOHN WRYLAND. 79

this before I heard of any more efforts
to spread sedition through my domains.
At last the disturbers began their work
again, and I a second time had to rely
upon the fidelity of my mungjabs.

My mungjabs were informed that
the disturbers were to meet at night
in the Valley of Small Brooks. Thither
they went and commingled with their
countrymen, the Paltiens, who had as-
sembled there in pursuance of secret
notification. Three speakers addressed
the seditious gathering, Kai Fu, Pao
Tung, and Shi Shi. The first two,
I was informed, spoke of their country,
told how much they loved it, wished it
were happy.

These speeches were an outrageous
reflection upon my government. Though
the speakers did not mention govern-
ment, it was plain enough, considering
the disturbed times, that it was my
government they had in mind as the

8o THE TRAVELS OF

cause of what, they were pleased to
look upon, as the want of happiness of
their country. The third speaker, Shi
Shi, removed all doubt on this point,
and went to such extremes in his
sedition that I could no longer continue
to show forbearance, and for the sake
of the public peace, and the welfare of
the state, I was forced to bring the
disturbers to justice.

He said : — " Men of Palti, we have a
most excellent government, but ."

At this point, my mungjabs threw
off their disguise, laid hands upon the
speakers, gave a signal that had been
agreed upon, when in rushed other
mungjabs who had concealed them-
selves some distance away ; the gather-
ing was dispersed, and the ungrateful
rebels conducted to prison.

The next day the prisoners were
brought before one of my judges for
trial. A venerable man whom I had

JOHN WRYLAND. 8l

appointed to his exalted office for his
discernment ^ ^ his attachment to

my government.

Before the hour arrived for him to
sit in judgment I sent him by a mes-
senger the following epistle : —
To Li Tung,

the King's Judge :

Venerable Sire : —

We need not tell you of the dark
and troubled times that have come
upon Our beloved country. We rely
upon Our judges to save Us from the
dangers that threaten Us. May Our
trust and faith be well merited.*

WEI HEI,

King.

* NOTE : — We are very sorry, for his own sake, that
King Wei Hei, in any way, attempted to influence
the bench of Paid ; but that practice, notwithstand-
ing that some very upright judges sat on the bench,
long prevailed, and perhaps today prevails in many
countries that are of much more importance than
Palti. Of judges and juries in the reign of Eliza-
beth and her predecessors Hume says, "There

82 THE TRAVELS OF

At the appointed hour Li Tn-no- *~

j j 4.-U j-j^Aiicnt seat, and the
cended th^ * & '

unree prisoners were brought before
him. They were inclined to make
light of their offense ; and were for
bringing witnesses to prove their loy-
alty ; and offered by their own solemn
oaths to prove that they were faithful
to my government, and never did, and
never intended to do, any act subver-
sive of it.

But the venerable judge could not
be cajoled by their seductive arts. He
declared that it was contrary to the law
of Palti to allow anyone accused of so
detestable an offense as treason, or the
attempt to overthrow the established
government, either to call witnesses in

scarcely occurs an instance during all these reigns,
that the sovereign or the ministers were ever disap-
pointed in the issue of a prosecution. Timid juries
and judges who held their office during pleasure
never failed to second all the views of the crown."
Appendix ///, Hume's History, Vol. IV, p. 349.

JOHN WRYLAND. 83

his behalf, or to testify himself, or to
have anyone to speak for him. Thus
were these wretched men silenced and
visited with the just consequence of
their faithlessness.*

In one particular, the judge showed
the prisoners great indulgence. Though
he would not let them by their own
testimony or the testimony of wit-
nesses deny their guilty utterance of
the words charged to have been spoken
by them, he did allow the prisoners to
argue that the words imputed to them,
even if uttered by them, were not
treasonable; and therefore that they
ought to be freed.

After hearing the prisoners' argu-
ments, the judge gave the following
opinion in writing ; and filed it among
the papers of his judgment seat :

* NOTE: — This was practically the law of England
until 1695, when it was altered by statute. Black-
stone, Book IV, p. 355 .• Macaulay's History, Vol. IV,
p. 241.

84 THE TRAVELS OF

OPINION OF THE COURT.

The King of Palti ")

against

Kai Fu, Pao Tung
and Shi Shi.

On the first day of the iath moon
of his august Majesty's reign, to wit:
Wei Hei, came this case to be heard,
wherein are charged the said Kai Fu,
Pao Tung, and Shi Shi, with uttering
certain words, blasphemous and devil-
ish and treasonable against his said
Majesty's government, to wit: — " Men
of Palti, we have a most excellent gov-
ernment but ." Whereupon the

said Kai Fu, Pao Tung and Shi Shi
demur and say that said words, even if
uttered by them are insufficient to
support his Majesty's cause.

As the case now stands before us we
must presume these words to have
been uttered by the prisoners or in

JOHN WRYLAND. 85

their presence and with their approval,
by which they made themselves all
responsible for their import ; the ques-
tion, therefore, is, Are these words
treasonable ? If the prisoners had said,
" Men of Palti, we have a most excel-
lent government," and had stopped
there, it is clear, they would have com-
mitted no treason ; they did not stop
there; they added the word, "but."
Now, the word " but " shows that it
was the prisoners' purpose to take from,
or detract from the assertion, "Men
of Palti, we have a most excellent gov-
ernment;" and when the prisoners de-
tracted from this assertion, they became
enemies to his Majesty's government,
undeserving of its protection, unfit to
live among loyal men, guilty of treason.
We therefore overrule their demur-
rer, adjudge them guilty of treason,
and order that execution be done upon
them, the said Kai Fu, Pao Tung, and

86 THE TRAVELS OF

Shi Shi, on the third day of the twelfth
moon of his Majesty's reign.*

Li TUNG,
The King's Judge.

Judgment entered at the
Seat of Justice the first
day of the twelfth moon
of his Majesty's reign.

I remember the day these men suf-
fered, well. It was announced that
they would be led through the princi-
pal street out to the place of execution,
some miles beyond the city. The
whole city turned out to see them.
Every one had on his best attire. The

*NoTE: — The condemnation of these men was
quite as warranted as the condemnation of a man in
the reign of Edward IV. of England. A tradesman
of London, who kept shop at the sign of the Crown,
having said that he would make his son heir to the
crown, this harmless pleasantry was interpreted to
be spoken in derision of Edward's assumed title,
and he was condemned and executed for the offense.
Hume's History, Vol. II, p. 445 ; Elackstone, Book

ws.Yi,ANr>. 87

rich, their silken robes, and the poor,
cotton robes and silk girdles.

As the condemned passed np the
street, with their hands tied behind
them, they spoke, as best they could,
to the people that lined the way, say-
ing, "Friends, brothers, think; think
of this day ; think of the cause that re-
signs us to this fate. For you and
your children, we suffer. We deserve
to suffer, for too timidly have we hinted
at truth. Our voices shall soon be
stilled, but men more bold will follow,
and court our fate until you heed their
words."

I know it was a generous mistake on
my part to allow these disturbers to
address the people in this manner;
they should have been gagged ; and
had I known they would have made
such use of my kindness I would have
seen that it was done ; but perhaps it
was no harm, for when they spoke the

88 TTTT5 TRAVELS OF

people only hooted them and pelted
them with stones.

As the procession proceeded on its
way, at a turn of the street, unknown
to my mungjabs, the families of the
condemned had stationed themselves ;
and as the culprits passed, a little boy,
a son of Shi Shi, rushed towards his
father from the throng that lined the
way, crying, " Father ! father !" and Shi
Shi turned, and seeing his child, he
stood riveted to the earth ; and lifting
his eyes he cried, "Almighty God have
pity on me !" whereupon a mungjab
seized the child, and the executioner
gave a fierce pull to the halter around
Shi Shi's neck, and the procession
proceeded.

After this the people hooted and
pelted the condemned no more.

I might have pursued these men
even after death; for by the law of
Palti, the carcasses of all traitors are

JOHN WRYLAND. 89

after death at the king's disposal. I
could have had their dead bodies cut to «
pieces, and the fragments displayed in
all the public places.*

But I indulged in no wanton ven-
geance. I merely ordered that the
heads should be cut off the culprits
after they had been hanged ; and that
they should be placed upon the respec-
tive coffins as the culprits were borne
on the return from execution past my
palace. Thus I made myself sure of
seeing with my own eyes that the law
had been carried out.

After this I enjoyed four years of
great peace. Of course, there were
occasionally a few attempts at sedition

*NoTE: — The mutilation of the bodies of traitors
was the law of England down, we believe, to 1870.
In 1814 an effort was made to abolish this feature of
the punishment of treason, but the effort failed prin-
cipally through the opposition of Lord Ellenborough.
King Wei Hei, let it be said to his credit, did not go
to such extremes as did the law of England. — Mar-
ttneau's History of England, Vol. I, p. 407.

90 THE TRAVELS OF

even during the subsequent four years,
but I invariably frustrated these at-
tempts by mild punishments that
gently dissuaded the would-be offend-
ers, and greatly amused my loyal sub-
jects.

For instance, one of my favorite
light punishments was to catch a num-
ber of disturbers, lead them into a field
adjacent to the palace, that had a high
wall about it, tie their hands behind
their backs, and place on their heads
foolscaps that were well lined with a
coat of hot pitch. Sometimes the hot
pitch would run down into the eyes of
the disturbers and blind them, but
more frequently it did no such harm. I
invariably detained the disturbers until
the pitch had so cooled that the caps
could not be detached from their heads
without carrying with it the hair and
blistered skin. I then turned them
adrift, amid the laughter of my mung-

JOHN WRYLAND. 91

jabs, disfigured and writhing with
pain.*

At other times when I caught dis-
turbers, I would have them held down
on their backs, and water pumped into
them with a force pump until they
swelled up almost to bursting. Some
times I put salt into the water, and
sometimes soap ; and I even used mud
to inflate the disturbers.46"

When I became king of Palti, I nat-
urally became greatly interested in the

*NoTE: — This 'was a diversion of the English in
Ireland in 1798. — Plowderi's History.

*NoTE: — This was a diversion of the troops of the
United States of America, in the Philippine Islands,
in 1900.

See the American and Journal of Ne'w York, April
ayth, 1902 ; also a report of an Investigating Com-
mittee of the Senate of the United States.

" Can any man whose blood flows in his pulses,
any man who has read his Bible, or has been reared
at the knee of a Christian mother, justifv the perpe-
tration of such cruelties upon another man, who
wears the guise and the image of his Creator?"
Congressman Stbley, of Pennsylvania,

92 THE TRAVELS OF

history of my predecessors on the
throne. Upon inquiry I learned, with
chagrin, that most of them had very
unenviable reputations. One was re-
puted to have acquired the throne
through smothering the lawful heir;
another was reputed to have murdered
many of his wives ; and so on. Most of
them had characters that might have
been very much better.

The more I reflected on this state of
affairs, the more I felt that it was prej-
udicial to government to have such
stories of the kings of Palti current
among the people; and, therefore, I
determined that I would put forever at
rest these ugly and, no doubt, false
stories about my royal predecessors.

With this purpose in mind I founded
a great institution for spreading reli-
able historical information throughout
the country. I engaged a whole corps
of professors, at good salaries, to in-

JOHN WRYLAND. 93

quire into and to refute every history
and every tradition that reflected, in
the slightest degree, upon the Paltien
kings. The professors were only a
short time installed into office, when
they proved, beyond question, that no
king of Palti had ever smothered the
lawful heir to the throne; that this
malicious story had its origin in the
fact, that at one time a young heir to
the throne, by some chance or another,
absented himself for several days from
his accustomed haunts, whereupon, his
uncle, who had sought him everywhere,
was so elated at his re- appearance, that,
in a frenzy of affectionate joy; he put
his arms around the young heir's neck,
and before his ardor subsided the young
heir died in his embrace.

The professors likewise proved, with
regard to the king reputed to have
murdered his wives, that the story was
all false ; that the king in question on

94 THE TRAVELS OF

a certain occasion lay peaceably in
bed asleep, with his red nightcap on,
when in stole his wicked wife, and
lifting an axe in the air sought to split
his poor head ; but the axe flew off its
handler and striking the ceiling fell
upon the head of the wicked woman,
and killed her. And so, when the poor
king after his sorrow for his wife's un-
timely end was somewhat abated, mar-
ried again ; his new wife attempted the
same wicked deed, and met with the
same just fate. And thus did the poor
king become popularly accused of mur-
dering his wives.

Of this institution that I founded, I
must confess, -I felt, proud.; When I
saw what good it was likely to accom-
plish in the way of making popular
the kings of Palti, my only other wish
was that its influence might be ex-
tended until it made popular in Palti
all those institutions and conditions

JOHN WRYLAND. 95

against which disturbers were inclined
to rail, and excite the masses to hatred.

I gave to this institution the name
of The Temple of Love ; but some of
the lower orders of Palti very disre-
spectfully persisted in always alluding
to it as The Whitewash Brush.

During my reign many other things
occurred that it may be my duty to
detail, which I will now do as nearly
as possible in the order of their occur-
rence.

I occasionally held grand receptions
at the palace, at which times all parts
of the building were thrown open to
the populace. After such of my sub-
jects as were presented to me had done
me due reverence by prostrating them-
selves to the earth before me, I would
ask them such questions as, " How old
are you ?" " How many children have
you?" If told that the person pre-

96 THE TRAVELS OF

sented had no children I would ask,
" Why have you not?"

By asking such questions as these I
earned the reputation of being the
wisest ruler that had ever ruled in
Palti*

The people of Palti on one occasion
to show their love and loyalty sent a
delegation to the palace, praying that
if it pleased my most august Majesty,
they would on a certain night serenade
me with a choir of five thousand voices,
the finest that had ever been heard in
the land. Not wishing to go down in
history as a monarch hostile to fine art,
I consented to their serenading me,
and I fixed a certain night for it.

But I afterwards began to repent,
and to fear that if I should submit to
such an ordeal, my nerves and my

* NOTE : — See the account iu the newspapers of the
reception given by Li Hung Chang, at the Union
League Club House, in Philadelphia, U. S., in 1879.

• JOHN WRYLAND. 97

health would be forever after shattered.
In my own native country, on one oc-
casion, I had listened to five hundred
voices go off together, and some being
pitched a little high and others a little
low, I fancied I had never heard any
other thing so appalling and hideous ;
and now, when I realized that it was
proposed to have five thousand voices
aimed at me, I felt terrified.

I therefore directed an officer to go
through all the jails in Palti, and dis-
cover, if he could, among the prisoners
condemned to death, any one that bore
a personal resemblance to me. After
great searching he, at last, returned
with word that he had been successful,
at least, that the prisoner from a dis-
tance might pass for me.

I then sent word to the prisoner
that on the occasion of the serenade, I
wanted him to personate me, sitting
on one of the lofty balconies of the

98 THE TRAVELS OF

palace, while the people sang; and I
offered him a free pardon in return.
When he heard that five thousand were
to sing, he demurred, and said he
would prefer to die ; but I sent for his
wife and children, and when they went to
his prison and entreated him, he yielded
to their entreaties and consented.

On the night agreed upon the pris-
oner appeared on the balcony disguised
as the King of Palti, and listened with
apparent appreciation to the efforts of
the five thousand. I had previously
left the palace in secret, and gone
some ten miles off to the other side of
a high hill, and lain close to the
ground at its base. Even at this dis-
tance the sound was terrible, and often
as I listened, I congratulated myself on
my prudence.

The poor prisoner after the serenade
never did any good. He became in a
few days a raving maniac, and died six

JOHN WRYLAND. 99

months afterwards shouting, " Stop it !
stop it!"

One of my principal recreations in
Palti was hunting. In order to indulge
this taste I laid out a fine forest, and
I induced all the nobles of Palti to lay
out similar forests for themselves. To
lay out my forest I had to clear a large
district of all its inhabitants, a'lid my
nobles had to do likewise. I burnt all
the miserable little huts that a very
degraded class of my people used to
occupy in this district, and I forbade
the people to return under pain of death.
I then stocked the forest with fine
game, and I decreed that no man or
woman should by night or day enter
my forest to poach under penalties of
great severity. Notwithstanding this,
some had the temerity to enter my
forest and steal game. At last one of
the scamps was apprehended. When
caught he pleaded to be allowed to es-

TOO THE TRAVELS OF

cape, saying that his mother and him-
self were starving when he attempted
to do the deed, and he knew of no way
else to appease their hunger ; that he
was willing to starve himself, but could
not see his mother do so. But my
keeper would not let the villain es-
cape. I ordered his eyes to be put
out, and that he be castrated, and so
he was.*

When I had occupied for a year and
a half the royal palace at Fu Ton, I
began to feel somewhat dissatisfied with
it. The edifice was, to my mind hard-
ly imposing enough for a civilized king,
though it had suited well enough the
fantastic tastes of the Paltien mon-
archs who had occupied it.

When I thought the matter over, I
concluded that nothing would suit me

*NoTE : — This was the punishment prescribed by
an ancient English law for poaching.— Hume's His-
tory, Volume /, Chap. X, p. 392.

JOHN WRYLAND. IOI

so well, or so impress the Paltiens as a
palace designed after some good Bu-
ropean model ; and, therefore, I deter-
mined that I would erect in Fu Ton a
palace designed somewhat after the
plan of Windsor Castle. I determined
to build the new palace in the area in
the center of Fu Ton, and occupy it
as a winter residence, reserving the
ancient palace as a summer residence.
I was very reluctant to oppress the
good people of Palti with additional
taxes for the construction of the new
palace, and, therefore, felt myself bound
to devise some method by which this
great undertaking could be carried to
completion without increasing the
taxes. A happy thought came to
me.

There were at this time a great many
idle men or vagrants in Palti, worth-
less fellows, given to no industry, "such
as wake on the night, and sleep on the

102 THE TRAVELS OF

day, and no man wot from whence they
come nor whither they go."*

I had, shortly after my accession to
the throne of Palti, endeavored to ex-
tirpate this idle class by ordering that
any person, being whole and mighty
in body and able to labor and found
begging and giving no satisfactory ac-
count of how he lawfully obtained his
living, should be arrested and taken to
the nearest town, and there tied to the
end of a cart naked, and beaten with
whips throughout the town till his
body should be bloody by reason of
such whipping.*

Now that I had determined on build-
ing the new palace, I had all these

* NOTE : — The language of .an old English Act. —
Blackstone, Book IV, p. 169.

Reuben Romich, of Lower Macungie Township,
Lehigh County, Pennsylvania, in the course of twen-
ty-three years, is said to have sheltered twenty-five
thousand tramps or vagrants, and it is said he was
never ill-requited by any tramp he had sheltered.

* NOTE:— 22 Henry VIII.

JOHN WRYLAND. 103

vagrants apprehended and branded on
the breast with the letter V; and I
adjudged them all to be slaves for two
years, in which time I expected to have
the palace completed. I then ordered
that they should be employed on the
construction of the palace, beginning
their labor every day, not later than five
in the morning, and continuing at the
same until eight in the evening, and
being fed only on bread and water and
such refuse meat as their masters should
think fit.*

At one time some of these vagrants,
ill-liking to be kept so closely to their
work, escaped from their masters, and
ran away ; but I soon had them appre-
hended, and brought back, and marked
on the ball of their cheeks with the
letter S, to show that they should now
be slaves forever ; and I ordered all the
masters and overseers, directing the

•NOTE :— A statute of Edward VI. of England.

104 THE TRAVELS OF

work on the palace, to place rings of
iron on the necks or legs of these des-
perate men, so that they should not be
able to run away again.

Notwithstanding this, there were a
few who managed to escape from their
tasks a second time. After diligent
pursuit most of them were apprehend-
ed ; but it was in vain they besought
me for mercy, my patience had been
tried beyond endurance, so I had every-
one who had offended a second time
put forthwith to death.*

In less than two years I had, by the
policy I have alluded to, constructed
the new and beautiful palace that stands
at this day in Fu Ton, showing the
superior artistic taste of Western over
Oriental architecture, and let the West-
ern traveler who may in future days
gaze at this noble pile remember that

*NoTE: — This was the law of England.

JOHN WRYLAND. 105

it did not cost the people of Palti so
much as one penny.*

While I acted with some firmness
towards idle vagabonds, I treated with
great consideration the deserving poor
of my dominions. There came a time
in Palti when many very deserving
people were really starving. On one
occasion, during this time, I had it
everywhere announced that I would,
on a certain day, at the hour of noon,
minister to the wants of the needy on
one of the public squares of Fu Ton.
On the day and at the hour named,
thousands of ravenous poor had flocked

*NoTE: — On the I5th of May, 1901, a convention
of the mayors and burgesses of the various cities
and towns of Pennsylvania was held at a hotel in
Philadelphia to devise a plan for suppressing va-
grancy or tramping in that state ; but with the
exception of Ellsworth F. Giles, Mayor of Altoona,
and possibly one or two others, the mayors and bur-
gesses could make no better suggestions than could
a herd of baboons. The majority of these mayors
and burgesses should have had the guidance of some
man with the genius of a Wei Hei.

106 THE TRAVELS OF

to the designated square for relief, and
I had, by the hour named, supplied
huge stacks of bread and hams, and
immense caldrons of soup. All the
bread was made into seven pound loaves,
and the hams were cut into five pound
chunks, and the soup was to be meas-
ured out in quart ladles.

As the hour of noon approached, the
hungry crowds grew desperate, and were
for dashing at the supplies ; but I
thought it would be a splendid thing
for posterity, if I could have an artist
sketch me about to distribute the relief
to the poor ; so, at noon, I ascended an
improvised throne on the square, and
sat to an artist. I held in my right
hand a ladle, on which was engraved,
" Soup, one full quart;" in my left
hand I held a seven pound loaf on
which was stamped, (< Bread, seven
pounds, extra fine;" and in my lap
rested a piece of ham, rolled up in tin-

JOHN WRYLAND. IO7

foil and marked, (< Ham, five pounds,
prime." While the artist worked, the
crowd became turbulent in the ex-
treme; and my mungjabs had to act
with exceptional severity to keep the
people from making a disorderly on-
slaught upon the provisions; but in
two hours the artist got a satisfactory
sketch; and forthwith the food was
distributed. For long after this occa-
sion, when I suspected the poor people
of being dissatisfied with my govern-
ment, I had nothing to do, to appease
them, but send agents among them to
take them by the sleeve and say, " Re-
member the king's soup." " Remem-
ber th.e king's bread." " Remember
the king's ham."

When I had reigned in Palti some
two years, I was one day seated on my
throne giving audience to my people
and considering of their grievances. A
deputation from the country at large

I08 THE TRAVELS OF

approached my throne, and on their
knees thus addressed me, ll Most mighty
and august Wei Hei, King of Palti, we
humbly beseech your most august Ma-
jesty to consider that night and day
this nation mourns to think there is no
heir of your blood to succeed you on
the throne of this great land. Great
King, the welfare of the nation demands
that your most august Majesty should
provide such an heir for that sad day
when your most august Majesty will
reign in Palti no more. We therefore
pray your most august Majesty to make
choice of a proper consort or consorts,
so that when your most august Majesty
is called to inhabit the palaces of the
sky, a monarch of your blood may reign
in Palti."

As the spokesman proceeded with
this address, it was some seconds be-
fore I could divine what he was aiming
at. When I realized what was coming,

JOHN WRYLAND. 1 09

it was so unexpected that I became
somewhat stage frightened ; next, I got
red in the face ; I put my handkerchief
to it ; and rammed some of my hand-
kerchief into my mouth ; and then a
merry fit seizing me, I burst out laugh-
ing, all the time choking my laughter
with my handkerchief. But before the
spokesman finished I had recovered
myself, and I said, " Beloved children,
as your prayer is couched in general
terms, only recommending the choice
of a consort or consorts, and does not
pretend to direct my choice of said
consort or consorts, I can take no offense
at your prayer or regard it otherwise
than as a new instance of your affec-
tionate attachment to me. But had
you gone a little bit further, and named
a consort or consorts, as for instance,
the fair Yin Kuo and her three sisters,
or the bright Wo Sho and her five sis-
ters, I should have considered this a

110 THE TRAVELS OF

very serious matter. Remember that
all Paltiens are my children, and while
I am employed in rearing and govern-
ing such a family, it can not be said
that I have no heir of my blood to
succeed me on the throne of Palti.
Even if I should have a consort or
consorts the people of Palti would ever
be uppermost in my thoughts ; but I
shall live and die a bachelor ; and, when
I die I want no higher character or
fairer remembrance of me transmitted
to posterity than to have this inscrip-
tion engraved on my tombstone, " Here
lies Wei Hei who lived and died a
bachelor king."*

I could tell by the peculiar looks of
those present, and by the lull of silence,
that my answer and my manner of re-
ceiving the address had not pleased the
people.

*NoTE: — A petition was made by the House of
Commons to Queen Elizabeth requesting her to
choose a husband. — Hume, Vol, IV, pp. 10, 56, and 78.

JOHN WRYLAND. Ill

While I am on this subject, I wish
to say a word with regard to the manner
in which the marriage ceremony is
performed among the Paltiens.

It is performed in Palti by the father
of the bride placing a piece of butter
on the forehead of the groom, and the
father of the groom placing a similar
piece of butter on the forehead of the
bride. In many of the countries I
journeyed through on my way to Palti,
the marriage ceremony is performed in
a manner almost the same, but instead
of butter soap is used. I was very par-
ticular to distinguish the countries in
which soap is used from those in which
butter is used ; for serious controver-
sies have often arisen from carelessness
with regard to such particulars.

Anciently the Paltiens took great
precaution to safeguard the interests
of humanity in the matter of marriage.

Before young people were allowed to

112 THE TRAVELS OF

marry they were subjected to an exam-
ination by a person of experience and
wisdom to determine if they were so
physically and mentally matched as to
ensure healthy and intelligent off-
spring.

But on one occasion a young man
and a young woman presented them-
selves to be examined as to their fitness
to be mated. The young woman was
first subjected to examination ; she was
pinched, and kneaded, and slapped, to
determine the quality of her flesh ;
when suddenly, the young man, who
was a man of great strength and of a
most violent temper, took offense at
some pretended affront offered to the
young woman, and seizing the experi-
enced and wise examiner by the heels,
he swung him around as if he were a
sling ; and brought his head in collision
with a stone wall, making a fine spray
of his brains.

JOHN WRYLAND. 113

As no one after this sought the office
of examiner it unfortunately fell into
disuse, in which neglect the office still
remains.

The mode of salutation is very pe-
culiar in Palti. When one friend meets
another the salutation is not as it is
among the English, " How do you do,
or how are you?" nor is it as it is
among the French, " How do you carry
yourself;" but " How do you eat ?" If
the person addressed is well he replies,
" I eat like a pig ;" if unwell he replies,
"I eat like a bird."

Hotels are conducted in Palti in a
manner that would seem very odd to
Europeans. The dining room would
appear the oddest part of the establish-
ment to strangers. According to the
custom of Palti,, three separate hours
are fixed for dining in every hotel. The
first meal is served at seven o'clock in
the morning, the second meal at noon,

114 THE TRAVELS OF

and the third at five o'clock in the
evening. The Paltiens do not measure
time exactly as we do, but according to
their way of measuring it, these hours
as understood by us, would represent
their hours for dining.

The door of every dining room in
Palti is kept locked until the very mo-
ment for entering. The guests gather
in numbers outside the dining-room
door, wistfully gazing at it, and waiting
for it to open. When, at length, the
hour for dining arrives, and the door is
thrown open, a terrible rush is made
by the guests to get in, clothes are torn
off, people are squeezed and bruised,
and sometimes a whole mass of people
remains jammed in the door, packed so
hard that they can neither go backward
nor forward, but must remain in their
painful position until pulled out with
block and tackle. If, by chance, the
guests get into the dining room without

JOHN WRYLAND. 1 15

any catastrophe at the door, the first to
reach the tables jump upon them,
seize all the best things to be got, de-
vour as much as they can, fill their
pockets with what they can not devour ;
and whatever they can not appropriate
in either of these two ways, they en-
deavor to destroy by kicking or throw-
ing it off the table. I have even heard
of some spitting over the whole table
after they had dined to disgust the
guests that were to dine after them.

I was at one time memorialized to
put a stop to this custom by law, and
introduce some table etiquette into the
hotels of Palti ; but I was too deeply
impressed with the sublime theory of
" The survival of the fittest " to inter-
fere with what appeared to me to be a
custom founded upon a great law of
nature. No doubt this custom of the
Paltiens will eventually stamp out all

Il6 THE TRAVELS OF

weaklings, and develop among the
Paltiens a wonderfully fine race of
people.

The Paltiens were always very anx-
ious to convince me of the splendor of
their poets' imagery, and of the great
wisdom of their philosophers. They
at several different times presented to
me handsomely illuminated parchments
containing the wise sayings of this or
that philosopher ; and one very hot day
in summer as I ascended the throne,
they presented to me three philoso-
phers who, they suggested, by their
eloquence and erudition would beguile
the morning hours and make time fly
with accelerated pace.

The first philosopher began to edify
me by announcing that he would lec-
ture on the subject of, Yeast; which
he did for fully an hour. The second
announced that he would lecture on

JOHN WRYLAND. 1 17

Chalk ; which he did for not less than
two hours, and the third announced
that he would lecture on Soap Bub-
bles, which he did until I felt he had
designs upon my life. In vain I began
to fidget, and grow restless as I sat on
my throne ; I even cast imploring looks
upon him to stop, but the heartless
philosopher kept right on with his
bubbles.*

At this juncture my cook stuck his
head in and said, " Bxcuse me, your
most august Majesty, but what shall I
prepare for dinner today?" "Ah ! my
good cook," said I " do not talk to me
of dinner today, for I am poisoned
with rot. But," said I, " have you
plenty of boiling water in your kitch-
en?" He replied that he had. "Then,"
said I, " take these three fellows to the

* NOTE : — See the Manchester Science Series of
Lectures by Huxley and others. 1871-1879.

Il8 THE TRAVELS OF

kitchen with you, and boil them to
death."*

Of the merits of the Paltien poets,
I can not speak with any authority ;
for while I did not suppose that they
would be less complimentary to me
than the philosophers, yet, strange to
say, they never appeared before my
throne, though I often looked for them
after the philosophers had presented
themselves.

One day a number of aged men, tall
of stature, with long beards and ivory
teeth, members of an ancient sect of
Palti, approached my throne, and with
profound salaams laid at my feet a
costly vase. Their spokesman explained
that it was the desire of these men to
signify by this token their loyalty and
attachment to their most august king.

* NOTE:— By statute, 22 Henry VIII, C. 2, it was
made treason punishable by boiling to death to mur-
der by administering poison. Blackstone, Book IV,
p. 196.

JOHN WRYLAND. 1 19

After this explanation they dropped
their cards into the vase, and withdrew
from my presence, walking backwards
and bowing low.

After they had withdrawn my cour-
tiers looked at me, as if anxious to get
a hint as to how they should treat the
affair. " Well," I said with a twinkle
in my eye, " these are surely a lot of odd
old chaps." My courtiers seeing me
so pleasantly inclined, all burst out
laughing at this; and I joined in the
laugh. " Now," said I to my courtiers
"what may this thing be worth;" at
which my courtiers all fell to guessing ;
and no one thought the vase worth less
than a thousand taels.

"Well" said I, "the old chaps that
can present their king with a vase
worth a thousand taels must have taels
to spare ;" and we all fell to laughing
again.

T then ordered the tooth doctor of

120 THE TRAVELS OF.

the palace to be summoned. When he
presented himself, I commanded him to
note the names of the loyal donors of
the vase. Said I, " Tonight take with
you a dozen trusty mungjabs, and call
in order upon each of these loyal do-
nors ; let each be securely held by the
mungjabs ; and when so held lay your
forceps gently but firmly on one of the
donor's molars, saying, * Good sir, two
hundred taels or out comes your molar.'
If he pays, spare that tooth, and lay
your forceps gently but firmly on the
next, demanding another two hundred
taels. Thus pass along every tooth in
his head, and if he fails to pay for any
tooth spare not that tooth."

As all the donors had full sets of
teeth I realized a very respectable sum
of money from this little bit of enter-
prise.*

*NoTE: — King John of England once demanded
ten thousand marks from a Jew of Bristol ; and on

JOHN WRYLAND. 121

I always felt it my duty as king to
be ever vigilant for the welfare of my
people ; and, therefore, always gave a
ready ear to every suggestion that I
thought beneficial to them.

At one time a petition was presented
to me by certain men who represented
themselves as particularly concerned for
the health of the little town of Chi-
Choo-Chee, in the province of Li-Poo-
Pa. In their petition they said : —

" We beg to make known to your
most august Majesty that the town of
Chi-Choo-Chee, in the province of La-
Poo-Pa, by reason of certain effluvia,
smells, odors, filth, and other causes, is
constantly in danger of severe epidem-
ics of small-pox, big-pox, cow-pox and
chicken-pox. We therefore beg leave
to construct in said town of Chi-Choo-

his refusal, ordered one of his teeth to be drawn ev-
ery day till he should comply. The Jew lost seven
teeth, and then paid the sum required of him. —
Hume, Volume If, Chap. XII, p. 66.

123 THE TRAVELS OP

Chee, in the province of Li-Poo-Pa, a
great sewer that shall conduct from
said town said effluvia, smells, odors,
filth, and other causes of disease ; and
we further beg your most august Ma-
jesty to command all the people of Chi-
Choo-Chee, in the province of Li-Poo-
Pa, to connect their premises with the
great sewer, so that all effluvia, smells,
odors, filth, and other causes of disease
maybe conducted from their premises."
When I received this petition I was
most gratified to know that I had sub-
jects so concerned for the welfare of
their fellows ; and I forthwith made a
decree empowering the petitioners to
construct a great sewer in the town of
Chi-Choo-Chee, in the province of Li-
Poo-Pa; and I commanded all the
people of that town to connect their
premises with the sewer, and thus
enjoy an immunity against small-pox,
big-pox, cow-pox and chicken-pox.

JOHN WRYLAND. 123

Not long after the sewer was con-
structed I received a petition from the
people of Chi-Choo-Chee, in the prov-
ince of Li-Poo Pa, saying :

" Your most august Majesty, we
starve! A great sewer has been con-
structed in our town to conduct from
it certain effluvia, smells, odors, filth
and other causes of disease, and your
most august Majesty has commanded
us to connect our premises with said
sewer, so that we may enjoy an im-
munity against small-pox, big-pox, cow-
pox and chicken-pox, but the construct-
ors thereof have demanded of us for the
privilege of complying with your most
august Majesty's commands, such ex-
orbitant sums of money that we have
no money left, and still we live in dread
of small-pox and big-pox, cow-pox and
chicken-pox, so that the sewer has done
nothing for us .but drain from us our
substance."

124 TH^ TRAVELS OF

Upon investigation, I found the com-
plaint of the people of Chi-Choo-Chee,
in the province of Li-Poo-Pa, to be well
founded ; and I forthwith had the pro-
jectors of the sewer seized and brought
before me.

Now, there happened at this time to
be in the royal stables a diseased cow,
covered all over with open sores. Into
these sores I introduced little sticks,
and gathered on the points of the sticks
the putrid matter of the sores. When
the projectors of the sewer were brought
before me, I had their veins opened, and
intending to inflict upon them a hor-
rible death, I transferred the poison
from the sticks into their veins. To
my great surprise, though this sickened
the projectors a little at first, they were
soon strutting about, boasting that they
felt better than ever they had felt before.
Finding that ordinary punishment had
no effect upon the brutes, I had an im-

JOHN WRYLAND. 125

inense cage constructed after the pat-
tern of the cages in which parrots are
kept in my own native country ; and
having apprehended the projectors a
second time, I drove them into this
cage ; I then had it rolled on rollers to
the mouth of the sewer in the city of
Chi-Choo-Chee, in the province of Li-
Poo-Pa, and hoisted into such a position
that the contents of the sewer flowed
over the cage like the torrent of a
waterfall.

So that the projectors of the sewer
might have some respite from their
punishment, I had a small piece of
roof placed over a part of the cage,
under which the projectors could cower,
but so that they should not enjoy too
much of this respite I had three long
poles placed near by, with sharp iron
points at their ends. These poles were
attached to machines that liberated
them upon a small coin being dropped

126 THE TRAVELS OF

into a slot, and he that dropped a coin
and secured a pole was privileged, in
return, to drive the projectors by sharp
prods from the sheltered part of the
cage into the full torrent that emptied
from the" sewer. It became a great di-
version for all the young men of Chi-
Choo-Chee, in the province of Li-Poo-
Pa, to secure these poles, and amuse
themselves by prodding at the project-
ors ; and thus enough money was real-
ized from the slot machines io keep
not only the town of Chi-Choo-GheCj
but the whole province of Li-Poo-Pa
thoroughly clean.

In the wet season the wicked pro-
jectors of the sewer lost flesh, and found
it hard enough to live, on account of
the flooded condition of the sewer which,
day and night, poured torrents over
them, but in the dry season they recov-
ered what they lost in the wet. But I
shall not bother with the narration of

JOHN WRYLAND. 127

such trifling affairs, but shall proceed
to give, in a few words, some idea of the
government that obtained in Palti at
the time of my going thither.

On the Island of Palti the science
of government has made, at least, some
progress. As every act of man more
or less affects every other man, so every
act of man is subject to governmental
control. For this reason the home of
every man is subject to governmental
supervision. The proper officers in
every district have keys for every
house, and for every room and closet
in every house in their district ; and
they exercise their supervision over
houses and families in this way.

No one dare rise in Palti earlier or
later than between half past five and
half past six o'clock in the morning.

Between these hours the proper of-
ficer presents himself at the Paltien's
door and unlocks it. He enters, draws

128 THE TRAVELS OF

forth his thermometer and tests the
temperature to see if it be of the pre-
scribed degree, about 76 Fahrenheit as
English people gauge it. If the tem-
perature is found correct, he so an-
nounces by filling out a certificate in
duplicate to that effect, which is author-
ity for the family to rise, one certificate
being left with the family and the other
sent to the seat of government at Fit
Ton. A very small fee is charged for
the certificate, a mere trifle. If the
temperature is found too high or too
low, the . officer fills out a certificate to
that effect, also in duplicate, which
serves as a prohibition upon the fami-
ly's rising. One certificate is left with
the family and the other is forwarded to
the seat of government.

Finding the temperature unsuitable,
the officer dispatches for another officer
called a dang-fe-kai or a wang-fe-kai.
a cooler or a heater, as the case may be,

JOHN WRYLAND. 129

who brings ice or fuel according
to circumstances. For these valuable
services more fees are demanded, an
extra fee for the officer for dispatching
and a fee for the cooler or heater, together
with the cost of the ice or fuel.

When the proper temperature has
been produced the family may rise, but
not until the temperature taker has
returned to give his certificate in du-
plicate that the temperature has been
brought to the legal requirement.

The theory of the law is, that should
a family rise in an improper tempera-
ture, their lives and the lives of the
community might be endangered by the
sickness which might result, and be
of an infectious or contagious nature ;
besides an injury to the family would
be a loss to the state, affecting mer-
chants and manufacturers who, in an-
ticipation of the demands of the family
above mentioned, have produced and

130 THE TRAVELS OF

purchased goods in advance. Besides
many other reasons which could be
given but which need not, for they will
readily be perceived.

When the family has risen, they may
dress themselves ; but they must first
wait for the Inspector of Person, for
they might not be clean, their hands
might be dirty, or their noses, or worse
still their heads ; and going out they
might be offensive or injurious to the
public, causing sickness or annoyance
which it is the duty of the state to
prevent. A failure of the state to dis-
charge this duty might entail a pesti-
lence, resulting in death and the up-
setting of business.

I forgot to say that a small fee is
charged by this inspector. He likewise
makes out his certificate in duplicate,
one to be left with the family and the
other to be forwarded to the seat of
government.

JOHN WRYLAND. 13!

The family is now nearly ready for
breakfast, but first the Inspector of
Clothes must present himself, examine
the clothing, see that it is well aired,
conformable to decency, and not too
costly for the family's station in life.
The clothes must also be such as do
not offend or annoy the public. The
hats of ladies and gentlemen must not
be too high nor too broad, or if high
or broad, must be transparent and not
opaque ; the skirts of ladies must not
be so long as to trail on the ground,
raising dust and spreading disease ;
thus does the paternal solicitude of
government prevent disease, preserve
decency, discourage pride and extrava-
gance, and provide for public com-
fort*

* NOTE : — The city of Philadelphia, in the United
States of America, has an ordinance prescribing a
penalty for wearing a hat in places of public amuse-
ment. This ordinance is directed particularly at
ladies' hats. Some towns in the United States have

132 THE TRAVELS OF

The Inspector of Clothes, like the
other inspectors, makes out a duplicate
certificate. If he finds everything as
it should be, he so certifies, leaving one
certificate with the family and sending
the other to the seat of government;
if things are not exactly as they should
be, the inspector signifies to the fanrity
the objection, and directs it to be rem-
edied by the time he returns, certifying
in the meantime, the deficiency in du-
plicate. The Inspector of Clothes makes
a small charge for his certificate if all
things are right ; and a larger charge
if things are not up to requirements
and call for another visit.

The family may now go to breakfast
as soon as the Inspector of Diet has
inspected their breakfast. This in-
spector, as his title implies, examines

recently undertaken to prohibit long skirts for la-
dies, lest the long skirts by raising the dust should
dissemminate microbes.

JOHN WRYLAND. 133

the food set for breakfast to see that it
is pure, that it has been wholesomely
prepared, and that it is not too poor or
too rich.

This is considered a very important
office, for much of the health of the
people depends upon a proper diet. Any
mistake in diet would greatly affect
the family and all with whom the fam-
ily comes in contact, besides, people
properly dieted are more congenial and
less inclined to break the peace, and
participate in tumults and disturbances.

The Inspector of Diet makes out his
certificate in duplicate, leaving one
certificate with the family if everything
is correct, and sending the other to the
seat of government. If the diet is
faulty he suggests the respects in which
he desires to have it remedied, and if
his suggestions are complied with,
upon calling later, he gives permission
by his certificate, for breakfast, making

134 THE TRAVELS OF

the permission out in duplicate as be-
fore described. He charges a small fee
for his services.

After breakfast the members of the
family, whose vocations call them out,
may leave their homes, first however
obtaining from the Inspector of Trav-
elers a passport, stating the purpose of
the outing, together with the route to
be covered by the traveler, and the hour
he purposes to return. For this pass-
port a small fee is charged.

About 10 a. m. every house is in-
spected by the Inspector of Health.
He inspects the entire house from top
to bottom, and every nook and cranny,
every vessel and utensil. These officers
are vulgarly called by the common
people, Smellers ; but by refined people
they are called Chung Poas, a name
that signifies Inspectors of Health.
They likewise charge a small fee.

As I have described the inspections

JOHN WRYLAND. 135

before breakfast and the inspection of
that meal, so every subsequent meal is
inspected ; but I will not minutely de-
scribe the inspection of dinner and
supper.

Any member of the family leaving
the house on a passport for any purpose
must, before he re-enters, obtain a per-
mit from the Inspector of Travelers to
guard against his taking home infection
or contagion. For this permit which
is issued in duplicate, a small fee is
charged.

As I do not wish to tire with lengthy
enumerations of inspections I shall
simply say that the last inspection of
the day is made by the Inspector of
Safety. All persons must, under the
laws, have retired by nine o'clock, and
signify their retiring by hanging their
shoes out of the window ; whereupon
the last named inspector enters, sees
that all the inmates are properly tuck-

136 THE TRAVELS OF

ed in bed, and covered in accordance
with the temperature of the night. He
further sees that all lights are safely
extinguished, and all windows put
down, so that the noxious night air
can not injure the family, and bring
sickness to the community. He like-
wise turns out the cat and the dog
should they, by accident, have been left
in the house.

All being according to law, he makes
out his certificate in duplicate, leaving
one with the family and sending the
other to the seat of government.

It is considered a serious thing to
have households in such shape as to be
unsatisfactory to the Inspector of Safe-
ty ; for the hour in which he exercises
his functions is so late that no official
should be put to needless trouble by
the thoughtlessness of citizens.

The Inspector of Safety having made
out his duplicates, takes his fee from

JOHN WRYLAND. 137

the pocket of the father's trousers as
they hang on a nail. The law in this
respect showing its humanity by sav-
ing every member of the family from
disturbance, even to the extent of ex-
cusing the father from making change.

It is needless for me to say that ev-
erything offered for sale in Palti is
offered by a licensed dealer. The law
requires all dealers to prove their hon-
esty by paying a reasonable fee to the
government.

There is another class of inspectors
in Palti ; who have a special charge
over the youth of both sexes, of whom
I must say something.

By the laws of Palti, all youths, male
and female, between six and seventeen
years of age, must retire not later than
seven o'clock in the evening. Soon
after that hour the Inspectors of
Morals call at every house and look
after the youths who are in their charge.

138 THE TRAVELS OF

These inspectors are usually made up
of childless old wives, childless as a
rule, because in their youth, when they
were fruitful, they were untrue to na-
ture.*

Now, all the youths of Palti have
their ears pierced by mandate of law
for the purpose I am about to explain.
As the Inspectors of Morals visit each
house in the discharge of their duties,
they pass a fine wire through the ear
of each youth, as he or she lies in bed ;
draw the wire through a small hole in
the bed-post ; and, bringing the two
ends of the fine wire together, seal it
with a government seal, which is not
to be broken under heavy penalties,

* NOTE . — Palti is not the only place in which such
wives are found A perpetual war waged between
all civilized lands would not destroy a hundredth
part of the lives that are destroyed in these lands
by the practices resorted to by husbands and wives
to defeat the purpose of marriage. To him, who
will observe, the continuation of the human race
must seem today a thing imperiled.

JOHN WRYLAND. 139

except by the same inspectors in the
morning. In this manner a guarantee
is given to government that all the
youth of the island shall retire at a
proper hour, and that no improper in-
tercourse shall take place between the
youth of opposite sexes. Thus does
government instill into youth a proper
regard for virtue, with the hope that
being good in youth the people will be
good in old age. The government of
the Paltiens will by no means leave the
moral care of children to their parents.
It wisely considers the morals of chil-
dren too sacred to be left in any such
hands.

My own observation has made me
wish that the governmental care be-
stowed on the youth of Palti might be
extended to the adult population. I
think in Palti the old people of both
sexes were more addicted to vice than

140 THE TRAVELS OF

the young, and were therefore more in
need of fine wire.

Notwithstanding the great solicitude
of the laws of Palti for the virtue of
youth, I was constantly bothered by a
lot of gaunt, old women who were for-
ever petitioning me to preserve the
virtue of the youth of the country. As
niy mind was at all times pre-occupied
with weighty matters of state, these
petitions at last, became to me a perfect
pest, annoying me and diverting my
attention from the interests of the
great body of my subjects. I, there-
fore, after much annoyance began to
consider by what means I should escape
from my tormentors ; and I bethought
me of the manner in which they fatten
ducks in my own countty.

I, thereupon, had constructed a large,
low building in which a person could
stand only half erect ; there were but
few windows upon the building, and

JOHN WRYLAND. 141

these were provided with shutters. The
floor was made warm and dry by being
covered with thick planks. When the
bnilding was completed I waited for
the gaunt, old women to present them-
selves once more to pray me to guard
the virtue of the youth of Palti ; and
when they did not present themselves,
at once, I began to fear they might not
come again ; but after two days they
came with their petition as usual ; and
when they had finished making their
petition, I turned on them, and said :
" You pestiferous, old villains, if you,
yourselves had had virtue, your chil-
dren would have it. In your old age,
it seems," said I, "you can find no
better employment than to torment
your king to preserve by law what you
should have preserved by example."

With that I had them all driven into
the low building in which they were
forced to squat quietly upon the floor

142 THE TRAVELS OF

because of the low roof, and so could
no longer wear the flesh off their bones
by restless roaming about. In this
building- I had them well fed for six
weeks on roast lamb and mashed pota-
toes, with gravy ; giving them for drink
the best of buttermilk. The shutters
on the building were always kept shut
except when the old women were being
fed, by which means tranquillity was
brought to their souls, and sleep to
their eyes.

After six weeks, on a balmy day, the
doors of the building were thrown open,
and forth waddled the old women, fat
and comfortable, bestowing on all the
people seraphic smiles ; and all the
men of Palti, as they met in the streets,
fell upon each other's necks, and wept
with joy^t' the peace that had come
upon the: land.

I was hot long reigning in Palti be-
fore I was mournfully impressed with

JOHN WRYLAND. 143

the great number of petty offenses
committed, offenses so trivial that the
offenders could easily have avoided
them, but through sheer wantonness
persisted in committing them, filling
my jails and taking up the entire time
of my courts. Some evil persons were
unconscionable enough to say that my
courts encouraged these offenders, so
that the officials attached to them might
have something to do as an excuse for
drawing their salaries from the treasury
of Palti ; but I would allow no impu-
tations to be cast upon my courts ; and
I forthwith determined upon a good,
old-fashioned remedy ; I introduced the
whipping-post and the pillory.

The first offender to suffer this pun-
ishment was a young ruffian who stole
a tallow candle. I had twenty lashes
of the cat-o'-nine tails soundly laid on
him, and then I had him placed for
two hours in the pillory, his head and

144 THE TRAVELS OF

his hands being securely locked be-
tween the two planks that formed that
instrument. The populace was de-
lighted at the entertainment this new
spectacle afforded them. They threw
stones and bricks and dirt at him, and
every one said that they never had such
a funny time in Palti before. The
young thief had his teeth knocked out,
an ear was almost cut off, and he
suffered an injury to his right eye
that, I suppose, ended in the loss of
that member, but I never inquired.

When he had stood in the pillory
two hours, he was carried home to his
mother.*

•NOTE: — This was found to be a very effective
way of dealing with depraved offenders in England
in times gone by. Many eminent judges and lawyers
are today in favor of returning to this good old
method. The grand jury of Philadelphia, instigated
by some such eminent persons, has within the last
•year or two been recommending the establishment
by law of a whipping post. — See The North Amer-
ican, July zd, 1902.

JOHN WRYLAND. 145

I treated in a similar way a rascal
who stole a clothespin.

But it could not be expected that I
would at all times treat with such
leniency offenders brought before me.

One morning twenty men were
brought before me, each of them hav-
ing stolen goods to the value of about
five shillings, English money. That
morning I felt a little out of humor,
and in no way inclined to be indulgent,
so without much ado I had the twenty
hanged.*

Some may think that for a ruler who
once took 700 pounds from the ship's
treasury on the river Brahmaputra, I
acted with severity, but when I took
that money it was not for the sake of
the money, but to attain the great end

* NOTE : — For thefts of the same amount twenty
men were hanged at one time in London one morn-
ing in \*]<&$.—Martineau''s History, Vol. //, Book 7,
Chap. VII, p. 86.

146 THE TRAVELS OF

which I had made the object of my
life.

Though I say it myself, it is a fact
that as King of Palti I endeavored to
uphold the ancient religion of the
country, and to discourage heretical
ideas.

At the festival of the Feast of the
Waters, in the third year of my reign,
two men were brought before me
charged with denying the existence of
spirits. As they stood before me, I
addressed them, saying : " So you think
there are no spirits, eh ? — no spirits —
no spirits, is it?" They said: "O
King, we did not say there were no
spirits ; we said there were no spirits
in the lake." " Oh ! — no spirits in the
lake? "said I*

Then upon their guiltily hanging

* NOTE : — For a case tried in a similar manner, see
the trial of Richard Baxter by Judge Jeffreys, Macau-
lay's History, Vol. I, p. 444.

JOHN WRYLAND. 147

their heads in silence, I adjudged both
of them to be heretics, and sentenced
one of them to be burnt alive,* and the
other to be buried alive.f

The mode of inflicting capital pun-
ishment in Palti and its history are
interesting. Anciently the culprit's
head was laid on a block, but instead
of being cut off, as is done in many
European countries, it was split length-
wise with the body, so that after exe-
cution the culprit appeared as if he
had two heads, from which originated
the slang expression in Palti, " I'll put
a head on you," meaning a head in
addition to the natural one ; or, in other
words, I will kill you. This is called
the ancient method, and, it must be

*NoTE: — Two Ariaus were burnt at the stake in
England as heretics as late as the reign of James I.
— Blackstone, Book IV, /!>. 49.

TNoTE : — The burying alive of heretics was a pun-
ishment frequently inflicted by the Emperor Charles
V.—Hume, Vol. Ill, Chap, XXXVII, p. 426.

148 THE TRAVELS OF

admitted, it greatly disfigured the cul-
prit.

Now, when the Paltiens, about three
thousand years ago, discovered steam,
they indulged in great expectation as
to its potency. Some even thought
that in it they had discovered the
essence of the Deity. They claimed
that they would some day warm their
houses with it ; they would fly with it ;
they would burst rocks and stronger
things with it; they would infuse it
into their veins and live as long as they
wished, and in their enthusiasm they
would put criminals to a painless death
with it.

A commission was appointed by the
king, Tuan Yang, who then reigned,
to inquire into the merits of the new
agency as an instrument of death. I
have seen the hoary report of the com-
mission in a glass case in the National
Museum of Palti. A verbatim copy of

JOHN WRYLAND. 149

each, page is spread on the bottom of
the case, so that a visitor to the museum
can conveniently read it ; but I handled
and read the original myself.

The report goes on to say that the
commission has tried experiments with
steam on various animals, particularly
on snails. That when a jet of steam
was introduced to the rear extremity
of this animal, it immediately vanished
in a pure white cloud that floated
peacefully from earth to heaven, and
that the commission had no doubt that
a criminal, if similarly treated, would
as peacefully pass away.

As it was always a sacred law among
the Paltiens that no cruel and unusual
punishment should be inflicted, haste
was made to save all future criminals
condemned to death from needless
pain ; and therefore on the strength of
the commissioners' report, it was de-
creed that in all capital cases execution

150 THE TRAVELS OK

should be done henceforth by steam,
except in cases of treason or cases
unusually heinous, in which cases exe-
cution should be done according to the
king's pleasure in each particular case.
Therefore, the ordinary mode of
execution for the last three thousand
years practiced by the Paltiens and
called the new style is as follows : The
culprit is placed in a chair with a hole
in the bottom. A stove is placed
nearby with a brisk fire in it. On this
stove is set a tea pot and a tea kettle.
A hose from the tea pot, made of a
native root, having a pith similar to
elder with us, from which the pith
has been skillfully bored, conveys the
steam into the victim's mouth, and
another hose from the tea kettle, in-
troduced under the chair, conveys the
steam to the base of his spine. The
victim is securely bound with leathern
thongs, and when the steam is turned

JOHN WRYLAND. 15!

on, after the first convulsive struggles
are over, lie dies a peaceful death.

The common reports of the first
execution of this kind in Palti tell of
smells of boiling flesh, of official wit-
nesses fainting, and of doubts of the
painlessness of the death ; but all the
physicians of the land declared the
victim's death perfectly painless, and
that the contortions proceeded from
ecstatic joy, and not from pain.

The first execution was a disappoint-
ment, inasmuch as the victim did not
float away in a white cloud like a snail,
and he had a troubled look on his face
when dead; but when the result was
compared with the disfiguring old
method, all the wise men of Palti in
one voice declared: " Palti has moved
a thousand years."

Yet, strange enough, all criminals
condemned to death in Palti, even to

152 THE TRAVELS OF

this day, would prefer to die by the old
method.

In Palti one hundred and twenty
offenses are punishable with death, not
reckoning the various species of trea-
son.*

It may here be asked, if the Paltieus
have no intercourse with the rest of
the world, and consequently no other
nation to fight with, what is there to
be found in that country to take the
place of war with its magnificence and
glory? what is there, there to fill the
youth with thoughts of valor and prow-
ess and laudable ambition? I answer
that whoever thinks to find Palti
behind other nations in opportunities
for the cultivation of noble aspirations
will be greatly mistaken. Valor and
bravery are much esteemed among the

* NOTE : — In England in the time of Blackstone,
one hundred and sixty offenses were punishable
with death.— Book IV, p. 18.

JOHN WRYLAND. 153

Paltiens, notwithstanding the servile
manner in which they submitted to my
rule upon my appearing among them.
The Paltiens, it is true, wage no war
with other nations, but they have an
institution which affords to the youth
of the land as ample a field for the
display of valor, endurance and sacri-
fice as any war could among Euro-
peans.

They have what is called Blood and
Glory Day. A day on which the fight-
ing men of the nation, divided into
two parties fight from sunrise to sun-
set. The parties that fight are charac-
terized as the Blacks and the Reds.
Officers appointed for the purpose go
through the nation one moon before
this day, distributing alternately to the
male inhabitants between fifteen and
sixty years of age, ribbons of black and
of red. In this way every man knows
to which party he shall belong on the

154 THE TRAVELS OF

day of fight. On that day each party
repairs to its rendezvous, and thence
marches to the great plain in front of
the woods before the ancient royal
palace, where the contest takes place.
The contest is viewed by the king and
his suite, the king awarding a palm to
the party he considers the victor. Fa-
thers, and sons, and brothers, fight on
opposite sides, and strangers who bear
no ill will to each other.

There is a feature very peculiar to
this fight of the Paltiens, arising from
their religious belief. The Paltiens
believe that no one can enter Heaven
if he be seriously wounded in any other
place than in his buttocks; for this
reason it is a chivalrous law among the
Paltiens that no soldier shall wound
another anywhere except on his rump.

It is a most comical thing when the
fight is on to see the maneuvering
among the fighters to get in each others

JOHN WRYLAND. 155

rear, and impale each other on long
spears. I have often seen two soldiers
in deadly conflict, the one running with
his long spear in his hands in circles
around an adversary, trying to get at
his rump, the other on the defensive,
jumping around with equal rapidity to
keep his face to the foe.

In Palti I need hardly say it is con-
sidered no disgrace to be wounded in
the back. At many of these festivals
as many as two . thousand are often
seriously wounded, but only a small
number die of their wounds.

When I was particularly entertained
by this festival, instead of awarding
the palm on the day of fight to the
victor, I would announce to the con-
tending parties that I would withhold
my decision for a day or two, the
better to be able to decide a point so
delicately affecting the honor of the
contestants ; and after keeping the con-

156 THE TRAVELS OF

testants waiting for a few days I would
announce that I considered both the
parties so very valorous that I found
it impossible to decide between them ;
and, therefore, wished they would fight
it over.

For weeks after a great festival of
fight you could see all the valiant men
of Palti spending their time leaning
on their elbows on their back fences,
watching the little boys playing mar-
bles in the back alleys.

On one occasion, the governor of one
of the Paltien towns, the town of Hu
Hei Hee, built a high tower in honor
of the Blacks and the Reds who had
given their lives for their parties on
Blood and Glory Day. A day was fixed
for the dedication of the tower, and I
was invited to grace the ceremony with
my presence. I first thought of de-
clining the invitation on the plea of
state affairs, but the more I thought

JOHN WRYLAND. 157

of it, the more I felt I should encour-
age so patriotic a ceremony.

On the day fixed the sun shone fair ;
all the children of the vicinity for
many miles around were gathered about
the tower, musicians were playing and
the Blacks and the Reds were march-
ing back and fro, past the tower, and
through the thoroughfares of Hu Hei
Hee. Not less that fifty thousand
people were assembled when I and my
suite arrived at the place, about noon.

From the top of the tower a ladder
of golden rope hung down to the
ground. This was provided especially
for myself and my suite. I placed my
hand on the ladder, and slowly and
majestically climbed up to the parapet
of the tower. While I was ascending
not a sound was to be heard from the
throng. The people were evidently
awed to see royalty exposed to such
danger, and so composedly facing it.

158 THE TRAVELS OF

When I got to the top of the tower
I found gathered there a fair assem-
blage of matrons and maidens and
some of the most distinguished men of
the land. I do not know how the
ladies got there, but they will get every-
where,. As I stepped through an em-
brasure of the parapet I paused and
looked slowly and grandly around as if
lost in reverie at the prospect from the
tower; then I laid my hand lovingly
on my abdomen, as is customary with
fat men of consequence, and advancing
three steps forward I sat down in a
carved chair that had been prepared for
me. My suite followed me up the lad-
der and arranged themselves about me.
All present made a profound obeisance.

Down in the throng the people
cheered, tlie children sang, and the
musicians played. When they had
finished I turned to the governor of
Hu Hei Hee and I said ; " Governor

JOHN WRYLAND. 159

of Hu Hei Hee, this sight fills me
with deep emotion. I am enraptured
at the guilelessness of your people,
their patriotism must be very genuine,
but there is a patriotism that has been
defined as the last refuge of a black-
guard, and I greatly fear that some of
niy governors know something of it."
" Now " said I, " this tower has cost
this town eighty thousand taels, while
I have in my pocket proposals from
responsible bidders to build a duplicate
of this for forty thousand taels ; what,
O governor, what has become of the
other forty thousand taels ?"

With that the governor slunk like a
child that dreaded a beating into a
distant part of the gathering that oc-
cupied the top of the tower ; and I not
knowing well what else to say, got up
from my chair, and going to the parapet
of the tower looked down at the people.
Just as I was looking down, trying to

160 THE TRAVELS OF

gather my thoughts, whom did I see in
the throng below but my public execu-
tioner. I was most anxious to attract
his attention, so I picked a piece of
loose mortar from a joint in the parapet
of the tower, for the work was fresh,
and holding it between my thumb and
my forefinger, I took steady aim with
a one ! two ! three ! and let fly, striking
the executioner on the point of his
nose. Surprised at this, he looked
around and then up at the top of the
tower. I caught his eye, and closing
my own right eye, and beckoning him
with my finger, I motioned to him to
come up ; he obeyed at once, and came
rushing up the ladder; when he got
on top of the tower he cast himself at
my feet, for I had now resumed my
chair, and he silently waited for me to
give him orders.

" Fang," said I.

" Master," said he.

JOHN WRYLAND. l6l

I said, " I have a little job for you."

" Yes, Master," lie replied.

I said, "Do you see that traitor over
near the parapet?"

"Is it that high cockelorum your
Majesty means?" he replied.

I said, " It is he."

" I see him," said the executioner.

" Now," said I, " tie a rope to his
right leg and heave him off the tower,
but do not let him fall to the ground."

In an instant the executioner had
darted through the throng and fastened
a rope, that had been used by some of
the masons building the tower, to the
governor's right leg, and hurled him off.

You may be sure the assemblage on
top of the tower was amazed ; the wo-
men screamed, and even some of the
men looked frightened. The execu-
tioner let the governor fall about twenty
feet, and then held tight the rope,
and the governor hung suspended about

1 63 THE TRAVELS OF

eighty feet from the ground. All his
rich yellow robes, the insignia of his
office, dropped down over his head, and
he looked like a big, yellow bag of
mustard.

Seeing the executioner tired holding
the rope I bade him tie the end of it
to the leg of my chair. The gathering
assembled on top of the tower soon
forgot its amazement and fright, and
likewise forgetting the decorum it
should have observed in the presence
of royalty, gave way to curiosity, and
rushed to the edge of the tower to see
what kind of figure the governor was
cutting as he hung by one leg. When
all the assemblage ran to the edge of
the tower and left me sitting alone, I
too grew curious, and thought I would
like to see the governor ; with this in-
tention I eased my weight on the chair,
preparatory to rising, when lo ! quite
unexpectedly, the chair shot from under

JOHN WRYLAND. 163

me, and the governor dropped sudden-
ly down. Fortunately for himself he
fell into a cart of apple dumplings
that a man was selling to the throng
below. As soon as the governor real-
ized that he was safely landed, he
jumped out of the cart of dumplings,
and took to his heels ; he looked ludi-
crous, smeared all over with dumplings
and running away with a chair dan-
gling to his heel.

At the sight of his inglorious retreat
the people below were convulsed with
laughter. In their merriment they
knocked each others hats off. I saw
hundreds of them holding their sides,
and hundreds of them doubled up hold-
ing their stomachs, while the din of
their uproarious ha-ha's was deafening.

Shortly after this occurrence I de-
scended from the tower with my suite,
and took my way back to my palace.
As I passed through the throng below,

164 THE TRAVELS OF

I thought I had never seen the people
look more pleased at me.*

In Palti they have a most beautiful
ceremony, which they observe on a day
called Flag Day. On that day every
man, woman and child in his own par-
ticular district presents himself before
the flag of his country, which has pre-
viously been unfurled from a high pole
for the purpose, and bowing to the
earth before it, says : " Flag of my
country, I salute thee." This exercise
continues throughout the whole day,
one devotee following another in quick
succession.

On one Flag Day I had done due
reverence to the Flag of Palti accord-

*NoTE: — Conan, a rich burgess of Rouen, had en-
tered into a conspiracy to deliver that city to William
Rufus, but Henry, who afterwards became Henry I.
of England, on detection of his guilt, carried the
traitor up to a high tower, and with his own hands
flung him from the battlements. 1090. — Hume's His-
tory Of England, Vol. I, f. 223.

JOHN WRYLAND. 165

ing to the custom of the country, and
I waited with my suite in admiration
to see thousands of my subjects do
their reverence also. As I waited an
ill-looking fellow presented himself
before the Flag, and bowing down be-
fore it, said : *' Flag of my country, be
blowed ! Flag of my country, if many
of those who are bowing down to thee,
instead of worshiping a fluttering thing
on a pole, would pay their debts, and
cease to covet their neighbors' goods
and their neighbors' wives, we should
have a far happier country."

At these sacrilegious words every
one in the vast throng that surrounded
the flag turned pale as death. As for
me, I was so overcome that I could not
speak. Had the man been one of my
own native countrymen, I should have
supposed that he was drunk ; but as he
was a Paltien, I knew he was in his
perfect senses. As I could not speak,

.l66 THE TRAVELS OF

I made excited signs to the throng that
I wanted a rope to twist about the
wretch's neck. The throng divined
my meaning at once, and with a shout
of frenzy they pounced upon the
wretch, and hanged him to a high tree.
During the fourth year of my reign,
being desirous to stimulate the artistic
and mechanical taste of the Paltiens, I
held a great exposition at Fu Ton, and
invited all artists and mechanics to
send thither their art and contrivances.
I had great buildings erected, calculated
to afford the best opportunity for dis-
playing the-" various works forwarded
to the exposition ; and I appointed a
Board of Awards, consisting of five
members, to advise me as to the proper
distribution of prizes to the various
exhibitors. There was great rivalry
among all exhibitors for the first prize,
and the country at large awaited the
decision of the Board of Awards with
great interest.

JOHN WRYLAND. 167

Just nine days before the closing of
the exposition, two reports were made
by the Board of Awards with reference
to the first prize. Both were read to
me as I sat on my throne, surrounded
by my courtiers. The first was a
majority report, and was as follows :
To His Most August Majesty, Wei
Hei, King of Palti :

Your humble subjects, appointed by
your most august Majesty members of
the Board of. Awards to advise your
most august Majesty on the awarding
of the various prizes at the First Ex-
position of Fu Ton, respectfully beg to
recommend to your most august Ma-
jesty that your most august Majesty
bestow the first prize of the exposition
upon the artist, Yong Koo, the de-
signer of a beautiful rubber doll with
a whistle in its back, between its shoul-
ders. This beautiful piece of work
has been the wonder and delight of

1 68 THE TRAVELS OF

every one that has beheld it ; only by
force could visitors to your most august
Majesty's exposition be induced to leave
the spot at which it has daily been ex-
hibited. Its features, its form, its every
member, and lineament, are life itself;
while the artist, in placing the whistle
in its back, between its shoulders, has
shown the greatest delicacy and tact.
We, therefore, without hesitation rec-
ommend to your most august Majesty
the bestowing of the first prize of the
exposition upon Yong Koo.

Your most august Majesty's most
humble and obedient servants.
SHU Wu,
CHING CHUNG,
HUNG Hi,
HUNG Lo,

Members of the Board of Awards.

The other report was a minority re-
port and was made by Hung Ki, the

JOHN WRYLAND. 169

fifth member of the Board of Awards,

arid was as follows :

To his Most August Majesty, Wei Hei,

King of Palti :

Your humble subject, appointed by
your most august Majesty a member of
the Board of Awards to advise your
most august Majesty on the awarding
of the various prizes at the First Kx-
position of Fu Ton, respectfully begs
to report to your most august Majesty
that he respectfully dissents from the
award made by a majority of the Board
of Awards, to wit : that the first prize
of your most august Majesty's exposi-
tion be bestowed by your most august
Majesty upon Yong Koo, the designer
of a rubber doll with a whistle in its
back, between its shoulders. It is true,
as a majority of the Board of Awards
has reported to your most august Ma-
jesty, that the doll in features, in form,
in every member and lineament, is life

170 THE TRAVELS OF

itself, and on that score your most au-
gust Majesty's appointee would not be
thought to differ with the majority of
the Board of Awards, but there is one
point on which your most august Ma-
jesty's appointee must differ, to wit :
the whistle. Had the whistle been
placed in the doll's mouth, it would
have been a blemish ; had it been placed
in the doll's breast, it would have been
in no accord with nature, but every
analogy of nature would have been ob-
served had the whistle been placed
where the doll could sit on it.********
At these words, I leaped from my
throne, as if a sword had been thrust
into my bowels. " Indelicate and de-
testable man," said I " is it to cast
odium upon your king and his exposi-
tion that you have allowed yourself to
lapse into this unspeakable vulgarity?
How do you suppose," said I, " that a
virtuous prince can suffer such inde-

JOHN WRYLAND. 171

cency to pass without condign punish-
ment ? Unholy monster," said I, " hear
thy doom." With that I ordered
the offending man to be forthwith
smothered in a barrel of skunk's fat.*
For a long time after this messages
of felicitation were daily sent from all
parts of Palti to my Ho-Foo-Foo, or
Chief Secretary of State, expressing
the joy of all the best families of Palti
upon the manner in which his Most
August Majesty, the King, by the exe-
cution of Hung Ki, had signified his
appreciation of the finer sensibilities of
the Paltien people. So long did those
messages continue to come that it be-
came customary for me, when my Ho-
Foo-Foo presented himself each morn-
ing as I sat at my breakfast table to greet

*NOTE : — Possibly King Wei Hei, when he inflicted
this punishment, had in mind the case of Edward
IV. of England, who had his brother, the Duke of
Clarence, smothered in a butt of malmsey wine. —
Hume, Vol. 77, Chap. XXII, p. 481.

172 THE TRAVELS OF

him, saying: " Well, my Ho-Foo-Foo,
what do the best families of Palti say
this morning ? " To which he, smiling
with exultation, would reply : " Your
Most August Majesty, the gratitude of
the people will never cease; I have
more felicitations." With that he
would lay the messages upon my table,
and I would peruse them as I partook
of my breakfast.

BOOK III.

I HAVE already spoken of the gloomy
financial prospects that confronted
me when I was a young man just en-
tering the battle of life. The anxieties
of that time even affected me when I
became king of Palti ; so in the begin-
ning of the fifth year of my reign I
determined to take practical measures
to allay my anxieties.

People are fickle ; kings are never
sure of their allegiance. I myself had
seen or heard of kings and queens of
ancient dynasties hurled from their
thrones, and forced to wander like
weary pilgrims over the face of the
earth, and so it sometimes came into
my mind that I, like other kings, could
not rely too implicitly upon my sub-
jects. True, I had demonstrated to the

174 THE TRAVELS OF

Paltiens that I ruled in Palti as the
special choice of the spirits ; but not-
withstanding this, I had sometimes my
misgivings of the Paltien people. I
therefore prepared to take time by the
forelock.

To have a little wealth by me in case
the Paltiens should turn recreant and
forgetful, and force me to flee, would
be only a wise precaution that has
often been taken by other monarchs.

I had a strong pouch made of thin
leather that covered my stomach and
ribs, and passed round my back. I
determined to use all the public money
I could lay my hands on, and buy the
most precious diamonds until I should
have this pouch filled. I, of course,
wore this pouch night and day.

Everything went well with my scheme
of buying diamonds until the public
money began to be scarce, and the
taxes began to be high. Then,

JOHN WRYLAND. 175

though no one had the impudence to
ask what was being done with the
money in the public treasury, yet when
it was proposed to increase the taxes
of Palti there was the most violent op-
position, appearing in noisy assem-
blages of the people, and in the looks
and talks of stragglers on the streets.
So that the dilemma I was in may
be thoroughly understood, I must ex-
plain the state of things that existed
in Palti at this time. On that island,
as in Europe, the land was wisely
divided among a few very illustrious
men, remarkable for their nobleness
and for the devotion of their ancestors to
the royal houses that had ruled in Palti.
There were five such men — the Duke
of the North, the Duke of the South,
the Duke of the Bast, the Duke of the
West, and the Duke of All the Rest.
The first four dukes had absolute own-
ership of all the surface of the land of

176 THE TRAVELS OF

Palti, each being the owner in that
province designated by his title. The
fifth duke owned all that was above the
surface of the land, and all that was
below it. He owned the coal and all
other minerals and all animals that
fly, and all windmills paid him tribute.

A great many of the common people
of Palti were hostile to these dukes,
alleging that they were avaricious in
making terms with them for the use
of the land. I could never listen to
the complaints of the people without
concluding that the complaints pro-
ceeded from envy, and therefore I gave
no encouragement to them.

The animosity of the common people
towards these dukes may be gathered
from the fact that there is a legend in
Palti, that at one time a mob of com-
mon people went so far as to take one
of these dukes to the edge of a great
swamp, and placing him bound hand

JOHN WRYLAND. 177

and foot at the heels of a mule, they
tickled the mule's nose with a stiff
straw, whereupon the mule, without
considering that a noble duke was at
his heels, resented this ill-treatment by
kicking out most viciously with his
hind legs, planting his hoofs in the
noble duke's face, and sending him
vaulting through the sky, from which
he dropped on his head into the swamp,
and forever disappeared from view.
Thereupon the mob laughed like
demons, saying that they now knew
where to put the rest of the dukes.

It is not stated of which of the pres-
ent dukes the victim was the predeces-
sor. To tell the truth, I was not
solicitous to know which noble house
claimed him ; I mention this merely to
show to what extremes the common
people may any day go.

But now, to return to my affairs of
state. When I wished to increase the

178 THE TRAVELS OF

revenues of my government I bethought
me, once more, of my native land ; and
I proposed to my councilors that I
should introduce to the Paltiens that
beverage which dispels care and dis-
content, and which I, though I did not
say so, had used before in Palti to great
advantage. After I had explained to
my councilors the nature of whisky,
the attachment men acquire for it, and
the revenue that can be derived from
it, I suggested, forthwith manufactur-
ing it on a large scale in a government
distillery ; and sending throughout all
Palti demonstrators to dispense for a
few days free drinks to the people. At
this my councilors, to a man, demurred ;
said it would debase the nation ; and
audaciously proposed, that if more rev-
enue were needed, I shoujd call on the
dukes for it. I was thunder-struck ; I
jumped to my feet, and with a terrible
oath I struck the table saying, " Fools !

JOHN WRYLAND. 179

ruffians ! I will never suffer the ancient
nobility of Palti to be despoiled ;" I
seized a stool, and holding it by one
leg rushed at these wicked councilors,
and between hammering them and shov-
ing them, cleared them out of the room.
The next morning I sent for archi-
tects, explained what I wanted, and
empowered them to engage builders
and all other artisans necessary to erect
a large government distillery. The
work was pushed rapidly ahead, and in
less than six months demonstrators
were dispensing small drinks of free
whisky throughout the whole of Palti.
Three days of free drink was sufficient
to whet the appetite of the Paltiens,
and at the end of that time I had com-
missioned dealers to sell the stuff in
every locality ; I decreed that no one
but my government should manufac-
ture whisky, and that none but my
duly commissioned dealers should sell

l8o THE TRAVELS OF

it. I demanded of these dealers a good
fee for their privilege, and I charged
them a very good price for the stuff, so
that my revenues were increased enor-
mously, and I began rapidly to fill my
pouch with precious diamonds. All the
people, at the same time, began to
remark that his Majesty was getting
exceedingly stout.

Hverything was moving smoothly,
and Palti was gayer than it had ever
been before. The name of Wei Hei
was on every lip, and as the Paltiens
quaffed their bowls, they toasted the
great king. To add to my popularity
the crops turned out particularly good,
and I was accordingly almost adored
by the people.

But I was not long to enjoy the fruits
of my bold genius. Four months after
I had inaugurated my system of in-
creasing the revenues of my govern-
ment, and when my pouch was only

JOHN WRYLAND. l8l

about half filled with diamonds I was
apprised that evil-doers were at work
sowing discontent among my people,
predicting the rnin of the country, and
its ultimate demoralization. The ef-
fort to disturb the people was system-
atic, and every day word came to me
of dangerous disaffection. At dead of
night several shops belonging to my
dealers were broken open, and the shops
and contents set blazing. Day and
night there were nothing but alarms
and rumors of plots. I did not feel
too sure of myself even in my own
palace. I felt myself, at last, sinking
under the weight of gloom and the
anxieties that surrounded me.

But on every dark day there is room
for hope ; the clouds broke, and a gleam
of sunshine burst around me.

A certain thief, who had stolen two
she asses from a good man who kept
them to provide milk for the sick chil-

1 82 THE TRAVELS OF

dren of his neighborhood, was pursued
by my mungjabs from one place to
another, until at last he was cornered
on the lake shore. Fearful of the
spirits of the lake, for some time he
hesitated before he committed himself
to the water ; but at last, realizing that
if caught he would surely be put to
death, he yielded to the promptings of
despair, and seizing a pig-trough, out
of which an old woman had been feed-
ing pigs on the shore, he shoved it
into the water and then threw himself
upon it, and paddled away from land.
My mungjabs stopped at the shore per-
fectly amazed, and momentarily ex-
pected to see the spirits destroy the
fugitive ; but the thief, elated at his
stratagem and at his preservation, kept
on with his paddling, and never stopped
until he had reached Ne-ar-Bi.

When he got to Ne-ar-Bi he took off
his trowsers to dry them, hanging

JOHN WRYLAND. 183

them on a pole, for in crossing from
Palti his legs and arms had been in
the water. Now, the people of Palti
were so patriotic that many of them
wore neckties, trowsers and coats
adorned with the design of the Paltien
flag, and so did this thief; and when
he hung his trowsers on the pole, my
mungjabs gave a shout of joy, and
rushing to my palace announced that
the Flag of Palti waved over Ne-ar-Bi !
They narrated all the circumstances of
the incident, and when fully informed
of everything that had happened, I
commanded my mungjabs to return to
the shore and invite back the thief; I
at the same time made out under the
great seal of Palti a full pardon for
him. With my instructions as to the
invitation and with the pardon, my
mungjabs returned to the shore; and
when they had attracted the attention
of the thief, they made signs to him

1 84 THE TRAVELS OF

that lie should return. They beckoned
him hither ; they held up the pardon,
and pointed to the great seal; they
made signs that they would embrace
him, but he took no notice of them.
Finally, he seemed inclined to heed;
he stooped down and picked up some-
thing from the shore ; then he seemed
to do something to it, and at last ap-
proached the water's edge and launched
a dry limb of a tree into the water,
placing on the limb what he had picked
up. The wind being towards Palti, the
limb was blown towards my mungjabs ;
and when it reached them, they saw
on it a large shell ; and upon examin-
ing the shell deciphered these words :
" I will not return to Palti unless the
king make of me an admiral."

My mungjabs brought the shell to
me in great haste ; I read it, and im-
mediately determined to grant the
thief s request. I gave a design of an

JOHN WRYLAND. 185

admiral's hat to a company that made
leathern helmets for the nobility of
Palti, and in two days the hat was at
my disposal. I sent it down to the
shore with the mungjabs who had pur-
sued the thief. They attracted the at-
tention of the fugitive by holding it
up, waving it and placing it on their
own heads, making gestures to signify
that it was for him.

At this the thief was seen to take
the pig-trough before mentioned, place
it in the water, and, resting his body
on it, paddle towards Palti ; but he left
his trowsers flying. On his reaching
shore my mungjabs helped him to
land, and placed the admiral's hat on
his head and escorted him to the palace,
a big crowd following and cheering
him, but he looked a fright without
his trowsers.

I addressed him from the throne,
telling him of the immortal glory he

1 86 THE TRAVELS OF

had conferred upon the Paltien flag,
promising him in the name of myself
and all the Paltiens it should never be
lowered. ''Moreover," said I, "you
have proved that Paltiens ought no
longer to confine themselves within
the narrow limits of Palti, or be influ-
enced by the imaginary dangers of
their fathers."

I thereupon issued the following
proclamation to be distributed and
read throughout the nation :

" Men of Palti, your glorious flag
floats over Ne-ar-Bi ; it must never be
lowered.*

* NOTE:— The French Admiral Dupetit Thouars
appeared off the coast of Tahiti in 1843, and re-
quired Queen Pomare to hoist the French flag over
her own, or instead of it, and on her refusal to do
so he landed troops, hauled down her flag, and
made proclamation that the island belonged to
France. The French Government lost no time in
disowning this act ; there was, however, a party in
the Chamber, as well as outside it, which declared
that French honor would be wounded by the re-

JOHN WRYLAND. 187

" The Ne-ar-Bians, we are reliably in-
formed, are a people entirely unfit for
self-government, and are in urgent
need of an enlightened nation to save
them. Their manner of living is
beastly. * Their floors are commonly
of clay, strewed with rushes, under
which lies unmolested an ancient col-
lection of beer, grease, fragments,
bones, spittle, excrements of dogs and
cats, and everything that is nasty.'*

" We therefore from this day forth
declare Ne-ar-Bi to be a province of
Palti, and we further declare all Ne-ar-
Bians resisting the authority of the
King of Palti traitors and rebels, and

nioval of the national flag set up by the admiral. —
Martineau 's History of England, Vol. IV, p. 474.

More instances of this character might be given,
but it will suffice to say ; " There are others."

*NoTE: — This is the language of Erasmus de-
scribing the people of England.— Hume's History
of England, Vol. Ill, p. 448.

188 THE TRAVELS OF

as such liable to immediate death and
confiscation of property.

" Done at the Palace of Sunshine, the
9th day of the tenth moon of the fifth
year of our reign.

"WEiHEi, KING."
When I issued this proclamation I
retired to my chamber, and knelt down
and prayed :

" O Lord, I see Thy hand in this
affair of the Ne-ar-Bians. It has
pleased Thee to select me as an in-
strument to raise the benighted Pal-
tiens out of darkness, and bring them
to the full light of an intelligent gov-
ernment, in which everything is or-
dered after Thy divine will ; and now,
O Lord, Thou wouldst have me deliver
the Ne-ar-Bians. O Lord, I would fain
decline the burden Thou wouldst place
upon me, but Thy will, and not mine,
be done. O Lord, I kiss the yoke

JOHN WRYLAND. 189

Thou placest upon me; it galls, but
do Thou give me strength to bear."

After I had prayed I felt relieved
and strengthened, and doubly deter-
mined to carry out the will of God, and
I resolved at once to invade and com-
pletely subjugate the country of the
Ne-ar-Bians.

I now summoned every carpenter in
Palti to Fu Ton. I gave orders to all
my quarter-masters to put all carpen-
ters arriving at Fu Ton, in obedience
to my summons, to making pig-
troughs ; and I at the same time issued
orders to my commander-in-chief at
the capital to mobilize the entire mili-
tary force of Palti, comprising now iny
mungjabs, and the Blacks and the
Reds, all of which had been consoli-
dated at my commands.

In eight days five thousand soldiers
were gathered at my capital, and there
was an immense pile of pig-troughs

190 THE TRAVELS OF

stacked in front of my palace, as well
as a good-sized raft which had been
built at the water's edge to avoid the
trouble of carrying my first and his-
toric raft from the palace ; this second
raft was built especially for me and my
charger, for I had resolved to accom-
pany my army to Ne-ar-Bi, and con-
quer or die with it.

On the 18th day of the tenth moon
of the fifth year of my reign, at the
hour of sunrise, my whole army had
commenced the invasion of Ne-ar-Bi.
At that hour each soldier placed a
pig-trough on his shoulder, fell into
line, and at the word, March ! the whole
of my magnificent army moved down
to the shore. The sight was glorious ;
to see the determination and resolve
of every warrior's face made my breast
heave with emotion. King as I was,
a little more and I should have burst
into tears at the sublimity of the sight.

JOHN WRYIvAND.

Arrived at the shore, the word was
passed, Brnbark! and every soldier
launched his pig-trough on the water,
and, placing his body on it, began to
paddle for Ne-ar-Bi. There was no
foolish fear of spirits now. Palti was
no longer trammeled with old, non-
sensical ideas.

It was a sight such as had never been
seen before when five thousand soldiers
paddled from Palti with their bellies
resting oil pig-troughs. I floated on
my raft with my charger, in the wake
of my noble army. We reached the
Ne-ar-Bian shore without the loss of a
man.

We went into canip for three days,
on the shore upon which we had landed,
to afford the soldiers a chance to dry
their clothes and recover from their
fatigue.

I do not intend to say much of our
camp life during these three days, but

192 THE TRAVELS OF

I made it a rule to ride every day
through, every part of the camp on my
charger, encouraging my men and win-
ning their esteem and affection. But
here I must say a word about my char-
ger. No soldier should forget his
charger.

In Palti, I may have forgotten to
mention, the horse, the ass, the cow,
and the bull are considered sacred, and
are, therefore, too revered to be used
as beasts of burden ; so, when I deter-
mined to accompany my army to Ne-
ar-Bi I was at a loss to know what I
should do for a charger, for I could not
think of a great soldier except as I had
been used to seeing great soldiers,
grandly seated upon their fiery steeds.
A respect for the belief of the Paltiens
forced me, therefore, to choose between
a trained pig and a billy-goat ; I chose
the pig, believing that his weight

JOHN WRYLAND 193

would give greater momentum to a
charge in battle.

During the three days that my camp
was pitched on the shore, it was cus-
tomary for the soldiers upon my leaving
or approaching camp to salute me by
presenting their arms and having their
musicians play ; for we had some good
musicians with us. Their instruments
were of wood and were somewhat primi-
tive, but I have heard worse music than
theirs. After a few salutations, such
as I have described, I dispensed with
the services of the musicians, telling
them in an off-hand, familiar way that
I did not wish them to waste their en-
ergies, and would supply a substitute
for their tuneful salute ; with that I
reached forward, for I was seated on
my charger, and grasping the ears of
the pig, I pinched them hard, when
forth issued a medley that from a little
distance could not be distinguished

194 THE TRAVELS OF

from the airs the musicians had been
playing in my honor.

During these days, too, iny generals
made strenuous efforts to awaken in
the breasts of my soldiers a proper and
laudable thirst for military achievement.

My most trusted general on one oc-
casion thus addressed my army :

" Soldiers of Palti, comrades in dan-
ger, our country has awakened from
sloth, and has entered upon a new era.
Led by an august king we have carried
our arms into Ne-ar-Bi, and shall soon
conquer it ; from Ne-ar-Bi we shall pass
triumphant into all the countries adja-
cent thereto, until we conquer the whole
earth. Then having recourse to the
inventive faculty, which we possess to
a greater degree than any other nation
on earth, we shall overcome the phys-
ical obstacles that separate us from the
Moon, and shall conquer that world ;
thencej we shall pass to Mars ; thence,

JOHN WRYLAND. 195

still aided by the inventive faculty,
which we so eminently possess, we shall
pass to Jupiter, thence to every planet
and star until we reach the Polar Star ;
thence, still aided by invention we shall
press forward until we rest at last un-
der the battlements of Heaven, and in
the name of our great country demand
the immediate and unconditional sur-
render of that territory."

Of course, I did not, in my heart,
approve of sentiments so extreme as
those uttered by my generals, but I
did not reprove or check them, having
learned to make allowance for the ex-
aggerated manner in which Orientals
are accustomed to express themselves.

When the general I have mentioned
had concluded his speech, a fool, who
by some oversight had crossed over with
the army from Palti, approached him ;
and, tapping him on the breast in the
most familiar manner, said to him,

196 THE; TRAVELS OF

"Would your soldiers kill little chil-
dren over ten ?" To which the general
with an indulgent smile replied, "My
soldiers are brave ; they will kill any-
thing rather than disobey orders."

On the 22d day of the tenth moon,
of the fifth year of my reign, being the
fourth day after we had disembarked
in Ne-ar-Bi, we broke camp before day-
light, and advanced into the interior.
We advanced along a good road. The
country was, to all appearances, very
fruitful. We could see to the right and
to the left of us prosperous little cabins,
but no appearance of inhabitants. As
we proceeded I felt I was not quite
sure that the description I had given
of the inside of these little cabins was
exactly correct, but that was of no
consequence now. I rode along the
troops, as I passed them giving expres-
sion to such ejaculations as, "What a
splendid country !" " What fine fields !"

JOHN WRYLAND. 197

"What flocks!" "Is not this worth
fighting for — aye, worth dying for?"
Then, thinking of my beloved Palti I
began to exclaim in a loud voice, " O
my country, right or wrong, my coun-
try." *

We kept marching boldly forward
until we had advanced, I should think,
about eight miles, and it was about
seven or eight in the morning. We
were on a fine level stretch of country,
beautifully verdant ; the rich grass was
in many places two feet deep. In the
distance, in the direction in which our
march lay, rose a low knoll with some
tufts of evergreen growing on it. On
we pressed full of spirit along the road ;
nothing could surpass the ardor of the
troops. We advanced towards the
knoll ; we were within seven hundred

* NOTE : — We are told that a general of the United
States was similarly overcome by his intense
patriotism.

198 THE TRAVELS OF

yards of it, when up from the grass at
the foot of the knoll rose three thou-
sand men, the Ne-ar-Bian army !

Instantly I laid my hand upon the
reins of my trained pig; I drove my
spurs into his flanks ; I dashed in front
of my troops, and raising my sword on
high, I said : " Soldiers of Palti, the
eyes of the world are upon you. There
stand your enemies. 'Spare nobody ;
make no prisoners ; use your weapons
so that for a thousand years hence no
Ne-ar-Bian will dare to look askance at
any Paltien. Open the way for civili-
zation, once for all.' " *

At these words my army gave a shout
of approval, and we swept towards the
enemy like the thunder-bolts of heaven.
My pig frisked his tail, and kept

* NOTE : These words were afterwards used by
the Kaiser William II. of Germany in addressing his
troops at Bremerhaven, before they sailed for China,
in July, 1900; but the Kaiser never acknowledged
where he got the words.

JOHN WRYLAND. 199

squeaking and snorting, but being large
and fat fell considerably to the rear, a
thing that painfully mortified me ; and
as I looked after my troops to note
how much they were gaining on me, I
saw the enemy, upon which my army
was descending, retire back of the
knoll ; the tufts of evergreen on the
knoll were pulled aside, and there, ex-
posed to niy astonished eyes, appeared
the bristling artillery of the enemy,
manned and ready to belch forth de-
struction.

I was now well in the rear, and the
noise made by my advancing army was
deafening ; but still I stretched out my
hands after my troops, and I screamed
in despair, " Soldiers of Palti, soldiers
of Palti, halt ! halt ! halt ! those things
you see will blow you to pieces and
scatter you like dung over the field."
But my soldiers were too maddened to
obey; on they rushed to destruction.

20O THE TRAVELS OF

In my despair I thought of ex-King
Hang Hong and his minister, who,
saved from death by my generosity,
had, possibly, gone traveling the world
over, and returning, introduced these
devilish weapons to the people of
Ne-ar-Bi.

On my troops rushed at the enemy,
and when within one hundred yards of
their cannon, I saw my advancing army
stop ; then they seemed to listen or
smell, I could not tell which ; immedi-
ately I heard loud voices, officers jumped
in front of their men, crying, " Men,
stand back — stand back — damn you,
stand back!" I heard the men with
shocking profanity, reply, " Stand back
yourselves, damn you, stand back." I
put my fingers into my ears to escape
the scandal of such blasphemy ; and
then I saw men and officers in one
motley mob rush at the guns, most of
the officers outstripping the men in the

JOHN WRYLAND. 2OI

race. Reaching the guns I saw some
soldiers throw themselves upon them,
and others try to pull them off. My
soldiers slashed at each other, speared
each other, and pounded each other. I
saw soldiers pull off their hats, and
shoes, and boots, and appear to draw
something from the guns ; and so they
did, for by a devilish trick these guns
were not guns at all but mounted bar-
rels of whisky with taps at their muz-
zles. While my men and officers fought
for these guns, the enemy waited calmly
behind the knoll, and let my army
fight and gorge until it lay helpless and
insensible ; then forth issued the ene-
my, and with their long swords cut the
heads off the whole of my army, hav-
ing no respect for the belief of the
Paltiens about being wounded in in-
discriminate parts of the body.*

* NOTE : On the retreat of Wellington from Bur-
gos, in Spain, in the year 1812, when his troops had

202 THE TRAVELS OF

Being now mindful of my resolution
to conquer or die with my army, I be-
gan to belabor the flanks of niy charger
with the flat of my sword to urge him
to the fight, in which I, aided only by
my own right hand, might yet retrieve
the day, or failing in that, die the death
of a warrior king ; but when by thor-
ough belaboring I had roused the met-
tle of my charger, and when I felt that
he was about to bear me into the con-
flict, he began in the most leisurely
and indecent manner to give ease to
his bowels ; exasperated to madness, I
endeavored to make him desist, but
finding that impossible, I thus ad-
dressed him: " O thou ignoble and
beastly brute, hast thou not heard of
chargers ancient and modern, who in a

passed the wine vaults of Torquemada they lost all
discipline, and 12,000 men were seen drunk at one
time. — Martineaii's History of England, Vol. /

p. 3 60.

JOHN WRYLAND. 203

critical moment like this have borne
their masters into the thick of battle,
and by their sagacity saved the for-
tunes of the day ? In this supreme
moment canst thou think of naught
but thy bodily comfort ? Why dost
thou not think of glory, and endure
for a short time a little discomfort?
Then when victory is ours, thou mayst
live the rest of thy days in honor, and
in giving ease to thy bowels."

These words seemed to affect my
charger, for he took his bridle firmly
in his teeth, and pranced, and circled
proudly around. I felt that now the
hour had come in which I was to be
covered with glory, so I braced myself
in my saddle, and doubled my grip on
my sword, and waited for my charger
to hurl me upon the foe, but to my
utter dismay, my pig, instead of charg-
ing the enemy wheeled, and dashed
from the field in precipitous retreat,

204 THE TRAVELS OF

and never stopped in his flight until
he had reached the point of the shore
at which my army had disembarked for
the conquest of Ne-ar-Bi.

As my charger had turned traitor to
my cause I gave up my purpose of en-
gaging the enemy single handed, and
determined at once to return to Palti;
for, to my mind, it would ill have be-
come a king to return to the field of
battle to fight or die on foot like a
common soldier.

As soon as my charger reached the
shore I sprang from his back, and as
he stood panting and puffing, I reached
my hand under his breast, and seizing
his off forefoot, I brought it under him
with one jerk and laid him on his back.
Then, lifting my sword on high, I
plunged it to its hilt into his ignoble
breast.

I could not help thinking as my
charger carried me back in retreat that

JOHN WRYLAND. 205

perhaps the loss of my army and my
humiliation were a punishment sent
me for having introduced into Palti
the vile beverage, whisky. To be sure,
I first introduced it for purposes of
humanity, to deaden the sensibilities
of the old king and his minister when
I had to put them out of the way, and
I was scrupulously careful at that time
that my jailer should not be scandal-
ized by seeing these two unfortunate
old men get drunk. One would have
thought that my virtuous considera-
tion in these two instances would have
saved me from utter destruction, but
no, I was doomed to ruin.

I now stood alone on the shore on
which my soldiers had left their
troughs to conquer the land of Ne-
ar-Bi.

It was a dismal sight to see thou-
sands of these good troughs lying idly
on the shore, and it was dismal to

206 THE TRAVELS OF

know that the soldiers who had so
lately floated in them lay headless on
the soil of Ne-ar-Bi ; but I had no time
for sentimental reflection, for the Ne-
ar-Bians were advancing to the shore.
To save time I made no effort to locate
my raft, but unostentatiously got my
body into one of the troughs ; my legs
and arms were, of course, in the water,
and thus I paddled to Palti — a slow
and tedious task.

Landed on the Paltien shore I made
haste in the direction of my capital.
Being unattended I reached my sum-
mer palace unknown to the populace,
which was anxiously waiting to hear
news from the seat of war. Arrived
inside, after I had changed my attire,
I ordered my butlers to prepare at once
for me a meal of whatever cold victuals
they had in the larder, for I was too
hungry to wait for anything to be
cooked. I then whispered confiden-

JOHN WRYLAND. 207

tially, as it were, to the domestics
about me that I had just returned from
battle, after having annihilated half of
the Ne-ar-Bian army ; that the other
half were prisoners in my hands, and
that I would immediately proceed to
transport them hither to be slaves for
the Paltiens. My domestics hearing
this secretly stole out, one by one, and
informed the populace. Soon there
were shouts of joy heard from the
crowds that began to gather about the
palace, bonfires were lit, and musicians
began to play popular and patriotic
airs, I ordered every window of the
palace to be lighted.

After I had finished my meal I ap-
peared on the lower balcony of the
palace, and, addressing the crowds, I
said: ''Men of Palti, four days ago I
led from our beloved country a valiant
army to maintain the prestige of our
flag. Gloriously has that prestige been

2O8 THE TRAVELS OF

maintained. At the onslaught of my
army the enemy retired in dismay,
abandoning its weapons which fell into
our hands, and effectively we used
them. My army has been so delighted
with its conquest that it refuses to
leave it, and insists upon permanently
abiding in Ne-ar-Bi. Such of the Ne-
ar-Bian army as I have not slaughtered
I will bring to Palti to be your slaves.
" In the meantime, men of Palti, for
the purpose of holding the territory I
have already conquered while more
territory is being reduced, and to give
all a chance to share the great glory
that is in store for our arms, I will
within the next twenty days raise an
additional army of five thousand men
to j oin the army already in Ne-ar-Bi ;
but I will take into my service none
but teetotalers, men who live accord-
ing to the ancient manner of Palti."*

*NoTE: — It is the policy of all governments, a

JOHN WRYLAND. 209

This speech was received by the
Paltiens with cheers of approval, and

amid the cheers I retired into my
palace.

During the next few days I had my
recruiting officers establish headquar-
ters in all the principal villages of
Palti, and everything looked promising
for an efficient army of sober men ; but
I was not yet done with my misfortunes.

On the fourth day after the battle
of Taps, for by this name has that
battle since been known, two Paltiens
were strolling on the shore near where
I had landed after the battle. As they
sauntered along they saw something
on the water, drifting towards them.
They first thought it was a cradle, but
as it came near it proved to be one of

policy founded upon wisdom and experience, to
allow no correct information to be obtained by the
people at home from the seat of war. In this respect
King Wei Hei acted according to well established
precedent.

2IO THE TRAVELS OF

the pig-troughs that were used by my
soldiers. It seemed to the Paltiens to
be filled with hairy balls ; but, when it
touched the shore, it turned out to be
filled with human heads. The Paltiens
were horror-stricken, and ran up from
the shore to spread the news of what
had happened. In a short time quite
a crowd was hastening to the beach.
When they got there and saw the heads,
they were filled with dismay. The
faces of the dead were curiously scanned
by the throng, and a few were identi-
fied, but the greater number were un-
known to the Paltiens of the vicinity.
Those who identified any of the heads
immediately ran to inform the relatives
and friends of the dead; and soon there
was the most terrible excitement in
this part of Palti. Men were running
from the shore to different villages, and
then from those different villages peo-
ple were running down to the shore.

JOHN WRYLAND. 211

There were cries and lamentations.
Women were bemoaning the fate of
husbands and sons, and particularly
the beheading of the victims whereby
they were denied eternal bliss, when
they might have been killed otherwise,
and given a chance of eternal happiness.

The next day, about the same hour,
two troughs were descried ; and upon
their reaching shore they were like-
wise filled with heads. There was the
same identification of features, the
same running back and fro, the same
excitement as on the first day, only the
crowd was larger, and there were many
from remote parts of Palti.

The next day, about the same time,
four troughs of heads drifted over to
Palti. The news of the ghastly affair
was now traveling all over the island.
The people were becoming seriously
aroused. The point to which these
heads were drifting was becoming

213 THE TRAVELS OF

known as Headland. All the Paltiens
who had relatives or friends in the
army that had invaded Ne-ar-Bi, began
to expect that any day the heads of
their relatives and friends might be
found in the troughs arriving from
Ne-ar-Bi.

On the seventh day after the battle
of Taps eight troughs of heads drifted
over to Palti, and thousands upon thou-
sands gathered at Headland. After
examining the heads, the thousands
marched to my palace, and stationed
themselves outside its precincts. They
never left their station until the next
day, shortly before the hour it was ex-
pected the heads would drift over. All
the night of the seventh day the crowds
terrified the inmates of my palace with
cries of, " Wicked king !" " Burn him
out!" "Down with the impostor!"
"Bring home our relatives and friends!"

I must confess the unruly behavior

JOHN WRYLAND. 213

of the mob was beginning to make me
a little nervous myself. If I had had
my army recruited I should have known
what to do, but this emergency had
come a little before I was prepared for it.
The eighth day after the battle of
Taps, sixteen troughs of heads drifted
over from Ne-ar-Bi ; the people of
Palti were now desperate. All of Palti
except Headland was deserted. At
Headland the whole nation was gath-
ered ; and out of this immense gather-
ing it was easy to find several who
could identify each head. It had grown
so usual for heads to drift over daily,
that three hundred glass cases were
procured, under which the heads were
placed in one long row on a platform
about as high as an ordinary table.
Past this platform the thousands as-
sembled at Headland would file, and
when a head was recognized, as was
now invariably the case by some passer-

214 THE TRAVELS OF

by exclaiming, " There's Kwai Wu, the
baker's boy, or there's Hong Pei, the
water-bearer ;" an officer took the head
from the case, made a note of the
victim's name, his place of residence,
and likewise noted the name of the
identifier, with such particulars as his
age and residence ; in this way the of-
ficer was enabled to answer all inquiries
made by Paltiens as to whether the
heads of their relatives or friends had
been found ; and on due proof of their
right to the heads he delivered them
to the claimants.

On the night of the eighth day, the
crowd around my palace was, if any-
thing, larger than ever before ; it was
more menacing and boisterous. Filled
with indignation at seeing the Paltiens
treat their king in this menacing man-
ner, I made a vow that should I ever
succeed in suppressing this rebellion I
would import into Palti a band of can-

JOHN WRYLAND 215

nibals, and every morning during the
rest of my life throw one of my rebel-
lious subjects into their den to be eaten.*
I was forced now to conclude that it
was contrary to ordinary discretion for

* NOTE : — Captain Guy Burrows, an employee of
the Congo Free State Government, corroborates the
statement of an American missionary to the effect
that the Free State officials employ five hundred
cannibals to whom they issued rifles to massacre
and capture unarmed natives who had rebelled
against their brutal methods. " I have sworn testi-
mony " said Burrows, " of the Belgians handing over
natives to the cannibal tribes for the express purpose
of being eaten." — A despatch from London, dated
Jan. 2d, 1902. See the Philadelphia Press of that
date.

For similar encouragement to cannibalism, given
by the Portuguese in East Africa, see a report from
London, dated July 3d, 1902, which report appeared
in an issue of the American and Journal (New York)
of July 1902 ; and which has been previously alluded
to. The report says: "The native soldiers are al-
lowed to exercise their habitual tactics, which con-
sist in pitiless massacre, followed by pillage. The
white agents of civilization permit their black sol-
diers to eat the flesh of their victims. This is their
payment. To excite and encourage them in the
struggle the whites cry during the fight, " They
have eaten your brothers, eat them also."

2l6 THE TRAVELS OF

me to remain any longer in the ancient
palace of the kings of Palti.

I walked up and down the hall of the
palace pinching my chin. The noise
outside was increasing. I met a man-
servant. I laid my hands on him. I
said, " Man, you ought to take a bath."
He said, " Lord !" I said, " Disrobe."
He did ; I gathered up his clothes and
I said, " You shall never have these
clothes until you come from the bath a
sweeter being. Begone !" Finding
himself naked, and his clothes confis-
cated, he ran to the bath room. I fol-
lowed him, and ordered him to lock the
door after him. He did so ; then I
said, " Throw out the key to me through
the transom." It was done. I put out
the light in the hall, dressed myself in
the servant's clothes, and hastened to
leave the palace by a side door; but
recollecting myself I went to my own
private chamber, seized a piece of paper,

JOHN WRYLAND. 21 7

and hastily wrote on it, "The king has
gone to Ne-ar-Bi to lead his army in «
person. WEI HEI; King."

I fastened this with a pin on the
outside of the door of my chamber. I
then left the palace by the side door as
I had intended. As I emerged from
the door, the appearance of the popu-
lace, the noise and din, the surging
masses and the shrill voices of speak-
ers, who here and there harangued the
people, and appeared to be inciting
them to violence, filled me with alarm.
As I entered the throng, though I ap-
peared as nothing more than a servant
of the royal household, scowls were
cast upon me, and expressions of such
menace and dislike that I momentarily
expected to be attacked and perhaps
torn to pieces. I hastened to get into
the thickest part of the throng, so that
the character of my clothing might
not be noticed. After being in the

2i8 THE TRAVELS OF

crowd for some three or four hours
many were getting sleepy, and seeking
some spot on the outskirts of the mob
to rest their limbs, and sleep a little
before morning. I worked my way to
the outside of the mob furthest from
the palace. There in the shadow of a
building I saw three little children
huddled together in a blanket. I threw
some silver, which I had in a bag around
my neck, in front of them ; they jumped
to get it. I threw a piece further away,
where they were less likely quickly to
find it ; they went in search of it. I
grabbed the blanket, threw it over my
shoulders, threw off all my clothing
except my shirt and my drawers, and
re-entered the mob. My danger was
now greatly diminished, for though my
appearance thus attired would ordina-
rily have been odd, yet, in the excite-
ment that then prevailed in Palti, such
spectacles and even more strange ones,

JOHN WRYLAND. 219

were quite common. Disguised thus,
I passed three days with the mob, eat-
ing, drinking, and sleeping like the
rest. I shouted with the mob, " Down
with the king." " Down with the im-
postor !" " Wicked king, bring back
our relatives and friends!"

On two of these days more heads
had drifted from Ne-ar-Bi ; on the first
of them (that was the ninth day after
the battle of Taps), one hundred and
fifty-six troughs of them, and on the
tenth day just double that number. On
the third day after I had left the palace,
at the hour it was usual for the heads
to drift over, from behind a low prom-
ontory on the Ne-ar-Bian shore, on an
immense raft made of pig -troughs
pegged together (for such it turned
out to be), appeared a large contingent
of the Ne-ar-Bian army.

The Paltiens at the sight of these
invaders, who had slaughtered their

220 THE TRAVELS OF

relatives and friends, fled in utter
dismay.

The Ne-ar-Bians landed, marched to
my palace, and while the soldiery was
stationed outside, two old men entered.
I afterward learned they were old King
Hang Hong, and his minister, Me-
Hang-Tu. They were followed by
their suites.

I saw all this after I had retired with
the fleeing populace a good distance
from the palace. The next day at mid-
day a herald issued from the palace,
announcing in a loud voice a procla-
mation of old King Hang Hong, and
accompanied by subordinates who scat-
tered written copies of the proclama-
tion. It read in the language of the
Paltiens, as follows :

"Men of Palti, the king of that
ancient dynasty which ruled in Palti
for more than a thousand years prior
to five years ago, has returned to live

JOHN WRYLAND. 221

among you and lay, in due time, his
bones in the earth that holds his fathers.
Your king has never ceased to love you.
He was deceived, and so were you, but
he and you are deceived no longer.
The King of Ne-ar-Bi has taken a
charitable view of your invasion of his
domains, and has concluded with me a
treaty of perpetual peace.

"The impostor who has brought dis-
grace upon my ancient throne, and
waged an unprovoked war upon my
neighbor must be apprehended and
punished. We have learned of his
departure for Ne-ar-Bi, and thus has
been made needless the presence on
this island of the Ne-ar-Bian troops
that have accompanied me to Palti to
defeat the impostor and effect his cap-
ture. These troops will return to their
own country within two weeks from to-
day. They are not like other troops
we have heard of during our wander-

222 THE TRAVELS OF

ings, hard to get out once they have
got in.*

"By the grace of the King of Ne-ar-
Bi we have been allowed, should it be
necessary, to send a small body of
Paltiens into Ne-ar-Bi, in pursuit of
the fugitive, Wei Hei ; and by virtue
of that grace we call for recruits for
the expedition ; and we hereby offer a
reward of five thousand taels for the
body of the impostor, dead or alive.

" Done at the Palace of Sunshine the
sixth day of the seventh moon of the
3<Dth year of our reign.

" HANG HONG, King."

After the herald, who proclaimed
this, came a recruiting officer calling
for volunteers to go over to Ne-ar-Bi
in pursuit of me. The note I pinned

* NOTE. — Possibly, King Hang Hong had heard of
the Saxons who went into Britain to aid the inhabi-
tants to repel the Scots and Picts ; and then them-
selves refused to leave ; perhaps he even had heard
of similar things of more recent date.

JOHN WRYLAND. 223

on the door misled the knaves. I
myself was one of the first, in my
disguise and nnder a common name,
Ying Lung, to join the expedition.
When recruits to the number of
twenty-five were secured, we crossed
forthwith on rafts made of troughs
over to Ne-ar-Bi. The trip over was
one of painful anxiety to me. I knew
not at what moment I might be recog-
nized. But happily I got safely over
without awakening suspicion. When
we got over we prepared to bivouac
near the Battle-field of Taps for the
night.

I will never forget that night. I
pretended to my comrades to be over-
come with fatigue and sleep, but I was
only impatient to see them asleep that
I might evade the sentry and escape.
Towards three in the morning, the
sentry being weary, and the alertness
which the presence of an enemy would

224 THE TRAVELS OF

have given to his powers being want-
ing, for it was known that we had to
contend with no hostile army or body
of men, but merely to hunt a fugitive,
he too fell asleep. As soon as he did I
stole from my comrades; and hastened
in the darkness along the first road I
met. I had not proceeded more than a
mile before I came to a native habita-
tion. I went up to the door, and pick-
ing up an immense stone banged it
against it. A woman inside screamed,
and someone said, " Who's there ?" I
replied, "Good people, I command you
to open your door. I am a soldier of
King Hang Hong, in pursuit of the
impostor Wei Hei of Palti. I must be
sure that he is not concealed in your
house."

In a moment a light was lit, and the
door was opened. Before me stood a
trembling middle aged couple. I im-
mediately entered, and began to search

JOHN WRYLAND. 225

their abode for King Wei Hei. Of
course I failed to find him, but I came
across, in my search, a piece of red
flannel, there was about six yards in
it. I likewise found a piece of bright
tin, four inches wide and twenty- four
inches long. I secured these, and re-
turning to the frightened couple I said
to the woman, " Do you make of this
flannel a robe according to the pattern
I draw." I then drew out a pattern on
the flannel of a robe something similar
to the gowns worn by collegians. I
then said to the woman, " Have this
done for me in an hour ; you need not
sew it too well, if you baste it, it will
be sufficient ; I must have a robe to
put the king in when I catch him." I
next turned to the man, and tracing on
the tin the serrated edges of a crown,
I showed him what I wanted, how the
edge was to be cut, and how it was to
be joined so as to make a crown.

226 THE TRAVELS OF

" This," said I, " is also for King Wei
Hei, to be worn on his head when I
catch him. Then," said I, address-
ing both, " have this work done in one
hour after I leave your house, for in
one hour I shall return, and if the
work is not done I will burn your house
and its contents; in the meantime,
while you are at work, I will help my-
self to whatever I find appetizing in
your house, and take a little walk about
the place."

I left the house taking with me
enough meat, bread, and cheese for two
fair meals, and walked along the road
for perhaps two miles, eating about
one half of my provisions as I walked.
At this point I could see that while the
road descended sharply down a hill, to
the right of the road the ground was
level but ending not in a gradual de-
scent, but in a steep precipice ; so that
if the traveler should forsake the road,

JOHN WRYLAND. 227

arid take his way a little to the right,
he would have a sudden fall from a
great height into an abyss the depth
of which in the darkness I could not
estimate. I saw my chance. I hastened
back to the native house or cabin. It
was a little after the hour when I got
there. I said to the inmates, " It is
well for you that you have this work
done, otherwise I would keep niy threat
and burn your house and its contents,
for the reception you gave me when I
knocked at your door was in no way
cordial ; but I am willing to be merci-
ful on one condition. You must take
to my comrades who are bivouacked a
mile down the road, the letter I shall
write ; you shall deliver it to them when
the edge of the rising sun tips the
horizon."

I then wrote the following letter,
and sealing it, handed it to the couple
with the warning that if they did not

228 THE TRAVELS OF

do as I directed them, their house and
belongings should be destroyed and
their heads severed from their bodies.
My letter was as follows :

" Soldiers of the good King Hang
Hong: — I have located the impostor
Wei Hei. Come to my assistance in
full force. The impostor is prepared
to make a desperate resistance at a point
three miles up the road from our biv-
ouac. At that point he is a little to
the right of the road. He is robed in
a red, royal robe, and wears his silver
crown. I am willing to divide equally
with you the five thousand taels.

Your comrade and fellow Paltien,

YING LUNG.

As the couple left with this message,
I hastened back to the point of the
road near the precipice I have already
described. When arrived near the
precipice I turned to the right, and
stationed myself on its very edge.

JOHN WRY LAND. 229

There was a ledge of rock projecting
out ten feet down from the top of the
precipice. I turned my face in the di-
rection whence I had come, and whence
I expected my comrades in arms.
Sticking my little share of provisions
into my belt, I put on my ted robe and
crown ; and waited to hear the Paltiens
advance. I had not long to wait ; soon
they came along but without making
any noise, so that they were very near
before I knew it, as I was a little off
the road. They saw me, and I saw
them at the one time. At the sight
of them I threw myself on my knees,
and wrung my hands as if in despair.
Seeing no danger in attacking me, they
instantly made a most furious charge
upon me, surpassing in their swiftness
and impetuosity everything I had ever
before seen or imagined, and shouting
like devils. When they were almost
upon me I jumped down to the ledge

230 THE TRAVELS OF

I have spoken of, my pursuers shot
over my head, and fell with a whump
on the rocks below, and were smashed
to pieces like fat pumpkins. I turned
and looked down upon them, and I
said, " Poor fellows, you shall not have
King Wei Hei but you shall have his
old clothes." With that I threw my
crown and red robe down after them.
Now that I had vanquished my pur-
suers, and as there was no likelihood
of their dead bodies being found, I im-
mediately sought a crevice in the cliff;
and after my long fatigues and anxieties
composed myself to rest and slumber.
I slept until the middle of the after-
noon of that day ; and after waking
remained in hiding until the moon had
risen. Then with a thankful heart I
scrambled out of my crevice ; and got
to the top of the cliff; and then sought
the main road from which I had de-
coyed my pursuers. As I struck the

JOHN WRYLAND. 231

road, and turned my face in the direc-
tion of the mountains that hemmed the
Ne-ar-Bian valley, I felt as if a great
load were lifted off my shoulders. The
cool night-air that fanned my cheek as
I strode along, soothed and inspired
me, and I said to myself, now for home.
I traveled at hours in which the roads
were least frequented, and at the end
of three days reached that point on the
mountains from which I had obtained
my first view of Palti. It was night
when I reached this point. The moon
was flooding the valley I was leaving
with peaceful light. I sat down in
lonely and regretful mood to look once
more upon the scene that five years be-
fore had so inspired me. How changed
were my circumstances ! I was then
advancing to a land of mystery, now
the mystery was solved. In that land
I had risen to the highest pinnacle of
fame and power. I had made myself

232 THE TRAVELS OF

rich beyond measure; arid yet, now I
was an exile. I would have been rec-
onciled to this did I but feel that the
people of Palti could govern themselves
without me, but alas ! I had no such
consolation.

I rose and looked upon the scene be-
fore me for the last time. A few steps
more towards home, and sinking below
the hills I should never again see this
land of Palti. It was hard to leave,
but I nerved myself; and taking a few
steps down the path before me, Palti
was lost to me forever.

At the first opportunity I changed
one of my small diamonds for gold and
silver, and some copper coins; got
suitable clothing, and engaged two
bearers to carry me in a litter to the
passes of the Himalayas. As soon as
I reached the passes, I engaged a jin-
rikisha, and in eighty-three days I
reached the spot at which my crew had

JOHN WRYLAND. 233

beeu seized with ague, between Jam-
melpore and Gowhatty. I made inquiry
at this place but got no tidings of my
old companions. I took passage in a
junk, and in eighteen days reached
Dacca, thence I went in a large vessel
to Calcutta, and thence sailed to my
native country.

And here I live in quiet retirement.
I have made no effort to gain recogni-
tion from the potentates of Burope ; in
fact, I do not trust them too much.
Were they to know too fully of my
past career, it might be that fear and
jealousy would prompt them to con-
spire against me, and transport me to
some barren rock in mid-ocean. So I
live a quiet life. I have resumed my
plain old family name of Wryland.
But though I am so humble a person
at home my name is enrolled in the
capital of Palti as one of her kings,
my statue stands in the market place

234 THE TRAVELS OF

of Fu Ton, and my picture, in which
surrounded by the poor I bestow alms
upon them, is hung in the royal bed-
chamber.

Naturally, my mind does often re-
vert to Palti ; and often in the dead of
night I do rise from my bed, and going
down on my knees I do thank the Lord
that he was pleased to select me as an
humble instrument to carry civilization
to the heathen.

I suppose, like all rulers, I shall have
my critics. It may be that Arabs,
Kurds, and Zulus may, with some rea-
son, object to some of my acts as King
of Palti as a little too harsh ; but let
no European or his descendant, when
he writes of Palti dare to find fault
with my rule, for scrupulously accord-
ing to European laws, customs, and
precedents, did I order all my acts in
Palti.

And now that I am home it may be

JOHN WRYLAND 235

asked, what became of the admiral
whose conduct so influenced my reign ?

I answer, just what may be inferred
from my silence regarding him. After
he got his hat and was received at
court, he was never more seen or
heard of.

Sometimes in the long winter nights,
when I sit at home reading my paper
after supper, as I scan the Foreign
News, vainly looking for some tidings
from Palti and some reference to my
reign there, I jump to my feet, and I
clinch my fists, and I say, " I will go
back to Palti and thrash those ungrate-
ful people, and teach them that Wei
Hei still lives and possesses his old
vigor and powers of statesmanship ;
but when I look around my fire, and
see my wife and children (for not-
withstanding my promise to the Pal-
tiens, I have married ; who could expect
me to keep my promise to them after

236 JOHN WRYLAND.

the manner in which they treated me ?)
I say to myself, no, John, stay at home
with your wife and children, and when
your children grow big enough, if they
want their own, let them fight for Palti.

THE END.

PLEASE DO NOT REMOVE
CARDS OR SLIPS FROM THIS POCKET

UNIVERSITY OF TORONTO LIBRARY

PR O'Neill, Henry J.

6029 The travels of John

N43T73 Wryland